Charlotte Elizabeth Amelia Baines

Though her smile is gone forever
And her hand we cannot touch
We still have so many memories
Of the one we love so much

Her memories are our keepsakes
With which we will never part
God has her in his keeping
We have her in our hearts

Please post any photos of Charlotte you would like to share, we would love to see them !!! Remember to include e-mail details etc if leaving tributes, because otherwise they dont appear !


Charlotte Elizabeth Amelia Baines is the beloved daughter of Michael and Jeannette Baines, but she left us to be an angel in the early hours of 19th May 2007. She was just 10 years old and was a year 6 pupil at Bleak Hill Junior School, St. Helens.

Charlotte had been ill for nearly 2 years, having been diagnosed with a brain tumor in August 2005. It started off by causing a slight tremor in her right hand, but gradually spread to her whole right side. She had chemotherapy and radiotherapy treatments throughout 2006 and, for a while, it looked like she was making a good recovery, to the extent we were able to take her to Florida. We had to cancel in 2005 because of her illness. She swam with the dolphins and visited all the theme parks and had a great time.

But, tragically, in November she suffered a seizure and we found the tumor had started growing again and was spreading rapidly. Nothing could be done to prevent it.

Her mum and Dad have been by her side constantly for the last 7 months as she got weaker and weaker.

Lottie was so brave throughout her illness. Her only complaint to begin with was that she couldnt cartwheel around the house and infact everywhere she went. I remember one night walking into the living room to find her doing cartwheels my heart was in my mouth and I could have fainted with shock. So as not to frighten her i made her promise that she would only cartwheel while either me or her dad where present. She was fine with that but im not 100% sure she kept to that.

The reason I not sure is because Lottie was very mischievous. In January this year we were told they were stopping her treatment because it wasnt working. I cant begin to describe how that felt, we had never told Lottie how ill she was, but she was a bright kid and i think eventually she had worked it out for herself. However, one of the side effects of the tumour growing and multiplying was Lottie forgetting her vocabulary. One particular night back in January her dad asked her what she wanted for tea and she spoke some kind of gobbledegook to him and he walked out looking very worried. After he left the room Lottie laughed and said - caught you, we shouted him back into the room and told him and all had a laugh. Another time she pretended to me that she was going to be sick I jumped up and got a tupperware container to collect it in and she burst out laughing saying she had never seen me move so quickly. Those times melted my heart.

When back in November last year they told us the tumours were growing they told us there was a new treatment which they could try a form of chemo. When I told her about it she said oh well i will probably lose some hair again, but its ok because it will grow again and if not ive got those lovely hats you bought last year. Another heart melting moment how balanced was my baby.

A couple of words she kept the longest were -I love you or I wuv you. She said these so often to us i was convinced she had some idea of what was happening. We always gave her hope always - how could we not. I told her that when she was better we where going on the shopping trip of a lifetime. I said we would go to London, to find the biggest Clares in the world and spend all of dads money on ear rings.

Anything big and colourful, preferably pink was Lotties choice. I didnt go on about the trip but felt I needed to give her something to look forward to. She thought this was a great idea.

She has some of the most elaborate ear rings you have ever seen.

In January this year she chose to be baptised. She did say when we discussed it what are the benefits for me and i told her she could choose a name herself, choose her godparents and maybe get some presents. I didnt want to tell her the religious reasons because I didnt want to frighten her. She was more than happy to be baptised - i think it was the presents that swung it.

She chose her most favourite people to be her god-parents, her childminder (who acutally was far more than a childminder) Auntie Sue, and her daughter Emma.

I spoke to Father Tom and he was brilliant. At the same time our friends had decided to have their daughter baptised and they asked Charlotte if she wanted to be her godmother - she was delighted. The plan was to have them baptised together at our house. Lottie went downhill fairly rapidly and we had to get on with her baptism, so it was just me her dad, Sue and Emma and Father Tom. I mentioned to Father Tom previously about the earrings I felt I needed to warn him. He said he was fine - providing she didnt want him to wear them too.

It was a remarkably special time. Lottie bought her own outfit from Tammy Girl for 12 pounds from her pocket money. She wore the reddest lipstick i have ever seen and the biggest earrings ever. I had to warn Father Tom when he arrived, he thought it was funny. We both read a prayer and Lottie joined in the prayers. It was very emotional for me but wonderful. Lottie decided on the restaurant afterwards and it was an all round special event.

She chose the name Amelia after the baby daughter of our best friends, who was born while we were in Florida, and we thought that was a lovely name to fit with her others - we mostly called her Lottie.

I cant believe Im writing this stuff..........

When we first told Lottie about her tumour and about how it had formed
(cells growing in a place that they shouldnt lottie decided to give it a name and called it Fred. She said it wasnt Freds fault that these cells had grown in a place that they shouldnt. We were blown away, but worried too. What we didnt want was for her to turn this into an imaginary friend. She had a very vivid imagination and was always creating friends and people and situations to play with.

I told her that actually we didnt like Fred and would be doing everything we could to get him out of her head and gone forever. Her attitude was and always has been lets just get on with this, no fuss whatever we have to do lets just do it.

It was partly because of her attitude we were able to be so brave. We got a lot of brave from Lottie.

School was really important to her and so we would take her off for her treatment and then take her into school. Then we would go to work be distracted for a period and then go home and be normal - whatever that is.

Auntie Sue (childminder) was invaluable during the last 21 months. I am so so lucky to have had her care for Lottie. She loved her like she does the others she cares for. She was always more than a childminder, Lottie loved her so much. There were times we would go to collect Lottie and she wouldnt want to come home.

At Sues were some of her best friends, other girls from he class. One in paticular who over the Christmas period Lottie talked about to our neighbour. The children were talking about best friends and Charlotte mentioned this particular friend and said that she was her best friend -because she is always there for me. This stuff just melts your heart doesnt it!

There was only one time when Lottie did complain about her condition. That was generated by her inablility to do cartwheels. All her friends where cartwheeling at Aunty Sues, when I collected her Sue mentioned it to me because she had encouraged the girls to do something else, something that Lottie could do with them. The following day she went to her friends and a group of them climbed over the fence which, they always had done, but Lottie couldnt. Her right arm and leg had been affected by the tumour and just werent strong enough anymore. Anyway she came home that evening and just wasnt her normal self. I talked to her and eventually she told me at bedtime that she wanted to die because she hated her life. The three of us just lay on her bed and cried.

We talked about the treatment and physio, and all the positive things we could think of. She went to bed in a better mood, but we just cried for the rest of the night.

She never complained ever again.

We had been told in July that the tumour had shrunk, which enabled us to go to places like Florida and Centre Parcs.

In October one group of doctors said the tumour had returned whilst another the person responsible for her radio therapy treatment said no what could be seen on the scans was scar tissue from the treatment. How wrong he was - saddly.

After her seizure in November it was more than apparant it was back with a vengence.

Even then she was brilliant. After the seizure she lost some of her vocabulary and got a bit confused. She looked at me one day and didnt know who I was, she called her dad Grandad. It was awful. She was always in charge of the remote control for the telly at home. In hospital she called it an engine. When she got better we remided her of some of the things she had said she laughed, we all laughed but inside we were dying - Lottie literally.

When we went to Florida last year I as usual had a timetble for what we were doing, where we were going etc. I had to get Lotties ok but really she was fine about it all. We tried to do as much as we could recognising that she tired easily and because of the weakness in her leg and arm we had to take everything at her pace.

We had passes for all the theme parks including bush gardens. We had a ride on a speed boat planned. This turned out to be fantastic. We should have seen dolphins but didnt so the guy in charge kept us out a bit longer and went really really fast she love it. She lost her hat and her hair ended up looking wild but she laughed and laughed on tht trip. I Included in our timetable wednesday - packing. She was most disappointed. Telling me it wouldnt take all day, couldnt we do it really quickly and stuff, when really we had booked the day with the dolphins.

She loved her time in the theme parks. She was a real dare devil she went on all the big rides. We had such good fun. She could remember the previous time we had been, her dad had told her to wear a hat and stand as tall as she could so she was tall enough to go onto the rides. This time was no problem. she got wet on all the wet rides, screamed on all the mad rides and laughed on all the others.

The night before we went to see the dolphins we told her and she was delighted. She had a wonderful day, we all had a wonderful day.

She had also perfected the art of shopping and getting her dad and his wallet just at the right time, which is no mean feat. We had manicures and generally did all the things she wanted to do without making it obvious that was what we doing.

Yesterday when I was talking to Lottie I asked her forgiveness for her service. I told her that I know she doesnt like fuss or being the centre of attention but that her service is about her and bringing together her 18th and 21st and all those special occasions into one, and so lots of people will be attending to say - bye.

She will be the absolute focus for everyone. We have had some of her favorite pictures enlarged and we will be playing some of her fav songs.
Again father Tom has been great but I think even he will be surprised at the attendance.

What can I say? Where do I begin to tell people about Lotties service? It was something we had started to plan a couple of weeks ago. Mostly because I knew that there were things I needed, a pink coffin for one, songs which she loved and flowers with sparkle on them.

I dont want anyone to think that although we did plan early we ever lost hope because we didnt not for a second.

Lottie hasnt had many choices in the last 21 months but I tried to think what would she have wanted.

Everything went as planned yesterday. I asked Lottie to share some more of her brave with me and her dad one last time. I told her it only had to be for a couple of hours. She shared it with us in abundance as usual.

The church was full, family and friends, and people who just knew us. Friends of the three of us, as individuals and as a complete family.

My personal friend who has been a family friend for as long as I can remember was wonderful, all she had was one line left and she did it. I so wanted to get up and help her, she loved Lottie so much that she was one of the first in the queue volunteering for tasks little did she know......

Then Marie, who I have been friends with for the last 19years. Maries daughter Helen was murdered all those years ago and I was Maries family liaison officer. We became such good friends that when I returned to work after my maternity leave Marie looked after Lottie for me. (Yes I over stepped all the rules of a family liaison officer. So much so I went on to train others how not to do it. Marie attitude is - you were and have been there for me, now i want to be here for you.

The head Ian, from school said some lovely stuff about her. What we particulary love is the mischievous stories. These tales from the teachers and children introduce us to a wonderful side of our daughter that we never saw, the side parents dont see.

Sues eulogy was perfect. The reason we asked her to do it was obvious, next to us Sue knew our daughter best. Again she saw a side of her that we didnt experience. Although we had read it previously it made our hearts swell and brought smiles to our eyes and our mouths which although fleeting were genuine.

I love some of the messges from the childen who appreciated the colour of her coffin. Those that remembered her arriving in a pink limmo for her 10th birthday party last year. A wonderful time when Lottie was well.

Lotties flowers were of course pink, with sparkly jewels attached and sparkle sprayed all over them. Apparantly a passerby was confused when they saw us wearing pink roses for button holes, again covered in sparkle.

Ive never seen such a variety of pink clothing and never seen so many men wearing pink shirts.

We especially chose the reading by her Uncle John who did a wonderful job too. Its called She is gone:

You can shed a tear that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray
That ll she ll come back,
Or you can open them and see, all that she has left you.
Your heart can be empty because you cant see her,
Or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow, and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow, because of yesterday.
You can remeber her and only tht she is gone,
Or you can cherish her memeory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you cando what Charlotte would want:

SMILE,BE HAPPY, OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE, LIVE LIFE AND GO ON.

We chose this because Lottie was such a positive little person, together with all her brave.

The songs are some of Charlottes favorites - chasing cars - is one that she sang to me whilst watching the ice dancing recently. That might not seem that impressive to you but she had lost most of her vocabulary at that time so it was amazing and made me cry. My heart will go on is from one of her three favourite films, Titanic. Her other films were Grease and West Side Story. One of her songs from West Side Story is Somewhere a place for us ......


It was a lovely sunny day for a lovely sunny girl........


12 weeks ago today (monday) we went out for the last time with Lottie. She loved to go for a drive and have a sleep in the car. We would stop somewhere and have lunch then drive back. She wasnt eating or talking very much then but it was a nice sunny day and she said she wanted to go out.

We went to Grassmere in the lakes and typical of Lottie (always thinking of someone else) she wanted to buy Auntie Sue some mint cake because she knew it was her fav. I happen to know she hasnt opened it and will probably keep it forever.

Lottie slept all the way there and back and when we got home she said Ive had a lovely day mum. Then back to her then position on the couch with me at the other end massaging her feet. (I really dont like feet but I loved Lotties. I could massage her feet for hours, which she loved.)

It would be Lotties 11th birthday on Sunday so we have decided to go back to Grassmere for the day. We have got a CD of lots of her fav songs, iwhich, we will play all the way there and back.

Charlotte has another name now thanks to our friends from our local. They bought her a star. Its Charlottes star in the constellation of Andromeda. Andromeda is the Latin word for Princess. We think its a lovely idea and cant wait to look for it. We have got a telescope because Charlotte had an interest in the glalaxy.

Today is a funny day Ive been preparing to give her favourite doll Marika together with a wardrobe of clothes to her friend Sam. This is a doll we bought from the internet last year at the end of her radiotherapy treatment. We bought it because she was so brave. We think its quite ugly but Lottie loved it. Sam her best friend got one too at the same time and they both played with them for hours, dressing, undressing and pushing them around in different prams. I decided that Lottie would love Sam to have it to continue to play with, rather than me just keeping it in the pram.

As soon as I arrived at Sams i realised that I had made the right decision about the doll. She hugged it and kissed it, she dressed and undressed it and when it was time for bed she put her p. j.s on her and cuddled her. Charlotte would have been pleased. We have agreed that when Sam goes on holiday I will look after Marika and that has made me feel better.


Hi my most gorgeous girl happy birthday, do you remember last year you had a birthday weekend. Your dad thought i had gone overboard little did he know. You had your friends around on saturday your birthday. We went swiming and to mcdonalds. Then you had a sleep over. I dont think anyone went to sweep til 4 then they were up at 10 to be at your party for 1pm. I had lots of surprises the biggest was the pink limo. You had a fab day with designing t shirts, you danced and sang the dj and at the end of the night you unwrapped presents with nat until you were tired and when you went to bed you told me you had a lovely time. Did you know then I dont know. I was so happy you were well and having a good time.

Goodnight my most gorgeous girl late today im going to do stuff in your honour, but you need to know much like we have been telling you forever you are our most love girl. We love you more than anyone or anything. Ive tried to light a candle but..... goodnight my most gorgeousxxxx

Hi gorgeous well what a day, once again you shared your -brave- . We went to Grasmere to that cafe bar. I had a prawn sandwich and dad had an omlette. I couldnt believe the size of the sandwhich and then I remembered yours. How I had to divide the bread and remove the salad for you. We wore pink ribbons which Auntie Sue and Emma made. We let a barbie balloon go into the sky towards you. I wore your pink star earrings which attracted several stares, you would have been proud of me.

When we came home we had some friends around for pink champagne. Joseph was looking for you! We all said a toast and even Alice, Amy and Jack were alowed to have a small drink.

Thats another day nearer to you, some where a place for us, hold my hand and I ll take you there......... xxxxxxxxx

Hi gorgeous, someone told us about a little girl called Brogan who also died on 19 May. She was 10 like you and had cancer. I hope you have found each other because you have so much in common. I think you could make so much mischief together!

The local newspaper did an article about you yesterday and it was all in pink. We said no when they first asked but changed our minds for lots of reasons, a couple were to do with the website and the charity.

It was a lovely article with a picture that we really like, that was taken when you went on the Duck with Sue last year. We hope all your friends will see it, as well as other people in St. Helens who you hadnt seen for a while. It was sad reading it though and it made us cry again. You d tell us off for embarassing you. xxxxxxx

Hi gorgeous, do you remember this time last year we went to centre parcs and met up with Pauline and Ged and all the gang, including chickens. We had a lovely time. We had bbqs, went swimming, went to shows which you loved and went pony trecking. You got mad with me a dad for dancing together at one of the shows because you thought we were an embarassment hey ho ...... I wish I wish I wish xxxxx

Hi gorgeous, Mr Wellens came to see us yesterday about our trophy. We thought it would be nice to have a Charlotte Baines award at Bleakhill. We thought we would like something for a child who had overcome a difficulty be it at home or school or whatever . He is fine with that and asked if we would like to present it your dad was very keen Im not too sure, anyway we now have to go and find one. We decided not to get one like the citizenship trophy you won last year which weighed a ton. Maybe you can help us choose it.

The other thing is an idea your class had. They want to set up a - quiet corner -, a place with a pink bench and pink pots for pink flowers with trellis all around, the - Charlotte Baines - corner. They asked if they could put some of their sponsership money towards it. We think this is a lovely idea and said they could put all their sponsership money towards it rather than give it to the charity. We have decided to donate your money we paid for your school trip towards it too.

He also gave us memory sheets which your class filled in. I read them to Auntie Sue (you know what she is like with her reading specs), and the comments are truly heart melting. What comes across loud and clear is how happy you were.. They all remembered your cheeky laugh and lots commented on how you never alowed anyone to be left out or isolated.You always made sure everyone was included in things. The other thing was how you hugged lots of boys , not sure what that was about!There were memories of tricks you played in particular on Mr. Holden, Mr. Wellens had mentioned some of these memories in your service he commented on how he was surprised you hadnt spent any time outisde his office as a result of your mischief.

All of these things whilst bringing a smile to our faces momentarily only go towards us asking that much asked and never answered question WHY?.............

Hi gorgeous, I know you probably know this but I want to share it anyway. Ive been out running with dad. You know how I used to run for miles but stopped recently. What I have decided is I have this stuff going on inside and I think if I run it will ease it. Actually it doesnt but anyway. ...

My time out running is all yours and mine. Not that all of my time isnt taken with thinking about you but there are no interuptions. Ive stopped taking music with me so we dont have any distractions.Dad took me around the local park and it is steeped with memories. Do you remember when you were learning to ride your bike, your first bike with stabilisers, (pink of course). We where on a bit of a slope and dad let you go and you ended up in the hedge. For a nano second we all held our breath when we realised you were ok we all laughed for ages. Infact we have laughed about that on several occasions. Then the time we taught you to sledge. Your dad was pulling you around on a tray outside, our neighbour took pity and gave us one of the sledges his kids had when they were growing up. We took you to the park which has a big hill ideal for sledging. We taught you to fall off safely on the way down the hill. At first you didnt go very far when you fell off in a controlled fashion. Until you decided you wanted to go fast and ended up once again in the hedge. Again more laughter. No tears which we might have expected, you never did cry much . That year we took Sophie Cotter to the panto with us. We always went to the panto you loved it.

We had a letter from Robert Turtons mum this week. He like so many others is sad. He was looking forward to seeing you again at the high school. Him and so many other from nursery like Jess. Im going to ask people if we can put some of our photos from nursery on your site. Photos with Robert and Jess and others.

Do you remeber when you came out of nursery if it wasnt raining you went on the swing and roundabout and see- saw. You and the others would shout - again, again - like true telly tubbies. Then you would run across the field to the wall and back again. Do you remeber Lucy I think she was a bit younger but she loved to do those things with Rachel and Sophie......

Oh Lottie, Lottie, Lottie xxx

hi my most gorgeous, all my memories of you are wonderful. i keep being reminded by people about how thoughtful and caring and loving you were. i did wonder if i was too strict if i didnt give you enough freedom all those things but you know ive thought and thought and thought about the negatives and if im honest i just keep coming up with positives. i know how much you love me and my love is undisputable for you and we both knew that.

Ive spoken to brogans mum today and we both conclude we are sad more sad than most people would ever understand but happy you are together, goodnight my gorgeous xxx


Hi gorgeous, I went to Gemini yesterday, how hard was that? Usually my first port of call in NEXT is your department. How sad was I not to be going in there. The last time I went there was to buy your outfit for your service. I remember when I got home your dad was amazed he couldnt believe what I had done. I explained that I was relatively sane then and had to do it. I wanted you to look gorgeous as usual. I look back now and cant believe it myself. But you where here then to share your - brave - with me. Now im all on my own without your - brave - .

We loved shopping so much didnt we. You would tell me how gorgeous I looked, and we never left a shop without clothes for you not ever. Accessories and make up were your other things. You had to have matching jewels (as we called them). Handbags were big in your world too As I walk around the house i find your handbags everywhere. Guess whats in them, either lipstick or gloss, eyemake up and -jewels -. With the odd packet of polo. I cant move any of them, just like i cantmove any of your things. Everything is as it was and will remain until i decide otherwise.

Ive kept your bedding with your lamb - bah bah - and smell them everyday, I love that smell i wish i could bottle it forever and ever. You know how for months before you got really ill and had a bed downstairs, you slept with me. I woke the other morning and for a nano second looked for you - whats that about my gorgeous. Then i remembered......

I went swimming today with autie chris and shelly. I dont know why other than they want to look after me. They were worried about which baths we went to because they thought I would be upset. I tell people i cannot possibly be more upset than i am. We went to Boundary Road and like everywhere I go and everything I do special memories came flooding back. This was the first pool you had swimming lessons in. You loved them you were like a fish. Always wanting to swim underwater, and diving.

I also remembered it was the last pool you swam in before being admitted into hospital after being diagnosed. It was the sunday and sam had come to play. We had spent all saturday together you both chose to go to see charlie and the chocolate factory, then to pizza hut. You both conspired to play all sunday too. If you remember your leg wasnt good on the sunday and your dad was panicking. You were being admitted into hospital on the monday anyway but he was really worried. I told him that i didnt care what happened you and sam wanted to go swimming so thats what we did. I was frightened but felt it was important for you and it was.When we got back we went into nats and you baked cakes. In the meantime your dad had contacted the hospital and they ordered you to be admitted. What a nightmare. Your dad wasnt very popular that day.

You didnt swim again for a long time. After having your - line - fitted for chemo you couldnt. Then when you started your radio therapy I kept asking for the line to be removed. I think they got so fed up that when your 6 weeks treatment finished they removed it. I only went on to them saying the removal of it would improve your quality of life, alowing you to swim and have showers instead of shallow baths, and it was just plain inconvenient for you.

I went on the computer this morning onto my blog. You wont know about this but Im a prolific note taker, which proved very important on several occasions during your illness. Anyway in November last year instead of writing about you and me i decided to keep a blog. Im so glad i did. There are all sorts of memories for me. Obvioulsy mostly not good but some good ones. Whilst i was reading it i felt you with me. I thought you touched my arm a couple of times, especially when i got upset - now lottie you know how skeptical i am about stuff like that so whats occuring? lottie lottie lottie...... xxx

Hi gorgeous, you know how I think and dream about you all of the time. Last night I dreamt about how you have always loved to play with dolls. When you were a toddler you had tons of barbie dolls who at the first opportunity were undressed and dressed again.

I dreamt of how you would put cushions on the floor for their beds, then cover them with t towels (for some reason it had to be t towels) and sit in between them and pat them asleep. You would do that for hours talking gobble de gook to them. How you loved polly pocket too. They went everywhere with us, france, spain, america - everywhere.

We still have most of those dolls, what was strange was in february when you were ill you got the barbies out of the cupboard and played with them. You lay them out on the floor and got clothes out for them. You couldnt dress them then your arm wasnt working at all, but you didnt want any help. You just seemed to want them around you. Ive commented on my blog about this because it was so unusual. You hardly spoke then so I have no idea what that was all about.....

Hi gorgeous, well its another day just remembering.... Im glad Auntie Marie has sorted her computer skills out. Yesterday I was telling you about my note taking. When you were born I was obsessed with being a good mum and getting it right. So much so I used to record your feeds, how mad was that. I would record times, how much you would drink, how long it took, poor Auntie Marie had to carry this on when I went back to work and she looked after you.

One of the photos Im going to get your dad to put on is one taken by Auntie Marie on the day you cut your first tooth. Its of the three of us and you are trying to show it off. You frightened Marie that day by biting into a pear with your new tooth.

The radio was on in the car earlier this week and - killing me softly - by the Fujis came on. This was in the charts when you were born and has always been one of my fav songs, from when Roberta Flack first sang it. More memories baby.....

We had a laugh last night with our friends (they are doing a wonderful job minding us for you) when Helen remided us about one of my - mad moments - . Again when a new mum I booked myself into all of the mother and baby type things in the area. I didnt find them particulary friendly and whilst out with you in the car one day saw a young woman with a pram like yours. She was walking not far from where we lived and I reasoned - she must be local. So i stopped and asked her if she would like to be friends. I had to tell her I wasnt really mad but that I had a young baby too and wanted to make friends with someone in the same position. She was lovely and did call a couple of times for coffee. Her daughter was callled sarah and was 2 weeks older than you, ive got a photo of you both and will get dad to included it too.

Ive been thinking a lot about when you were a baby. I remember your first word was - sheep - . You had just turned one and we where staying in a cottage in Betwse y Coed. From every window in the place we could see sheep, you loved them. Later that summer we stayed on a working farm in cornwall so that you could feed the animals. You had a wonderful time. You loved animals. That was a funny holiday because princess diana died while we where there and I cried, you didnt like that one bit. Little did i know then about me you and tears......

All our holdiays were punctuated by visiting farms, zoos, and aquariums. I cant remember how many performing dolphins and whales we have seen over the years. We have got lots of photos with you surrounded by various animals.

You always wanted a dog. I told you that because you were out all day at school it wouldnt be fair and it would be lonely. You were quite happy with that explanation and decided that a good idea would be for when i retire in 2 years time we could have a dog then and I could look after it. I remember thinking that wasnt your best idea, but you know lottie if things could be different you could have as many dogs as you like.........

Hi gorgeous, today is another one of -those - days isnt it, another first without you. Dad is pretending it isnt his first fathers day without you. He was never really interested always thought it was a money making scam. I love you so so much lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, i kept being visited by ducks yesterday, how odd was that. We havnt had our usual visit at home this year. Do you remember that first year they laid their eggs under our juniper bush. You were about 6/7, we had 12 ducklings running about. You loved them, you were able to get really close and could feed them. We went out that day and dad had left the gate open by accident. They all left the garden for a nearby pond. You were so upset. It was the first time i could remember you crying because you sad. I explained that we would have had to let them go eventually. They came every year after that and you would feed them and play with them. Do you remember the one that died the year before last, the one with the wobbly leg that you and dad buried. Anyway they havnt been this year - whats that about, but yesterday everywhere i went i was surrounded by ducks.

Hi gorgeous, i cant describe how i feel without you. You used to say that you felt rubbish when you became more and more ill and one day you said you felt like poo - well guess what me too!

Im having lots of problems with the computer right now, nothing to do with you all to do with me.

Im selling my car soon, my cabriolet. The car you made me buy. There is a photo of you and Hannah in the back of it, i love it you look like sophia loren in your pink scarf and big gigs. Remember you used to make me drive you and your friends around with the roof down. We played hilary duff or corine bailey ray as loud as we could and you would all wave to passers by who would wave back. Well you know i was mrs ford fiesta and you put a stop to it well im buying another cabriolet just for you. There are a couple of reasons this one has to go, one of them is stuff around memeories. I love all of my memeories of you but i cant cope with this one it just reminds me so much of your radio therapy and clatterbridge. That was a really difficult time for you but you dealt with all in your usual lets get on style. I hated it so so much, i just found it so hard. All that mask business and everything......

I remember when they showed us the treatment room i felt physically sick. I just wanted to cry and run off. Not you though you said it looked like a phone which i suppose it did, how brave were you baby..........

The first time we went there was a sunny february day and we had the roof down, windows up and heater on full. You loved it. Our trips there and back to school were punctuated by you eating different things. Like when we got passed goodison you ate your crisps. you had a slush after your treatment and a muffin. when you were having your treatment they would say to me look you can watch her on the monitor but all i did was hide around the corner and cry. Little did we know that the 6 weeks of radio therapy gave us 6 more months with you being well. He said you might stay with us til you were 15, i remember being outraged at that but i would swap that right now....

Do you remember the lovely nurses. People looked at us oddly at first, clearly wondering why we would take you to such a place, until they realised that actually it was you having the treatment.

Do you remember all those lovely people who bought you presents. The lady who knew you could knit so wanted to teach you to crotchet. She bought you lovely pink wool, needle and bag with instructions. The other lady who would buy you chocolate and teddies. They were all lovely, you had so many presents on your last day we nearly couldnt fit them all in the car.

Oh my lottie, my special dearly loved and sorely missed lottie......

Hi my gorgeous, im sorted now with the computer, sorry i didnt send a candle last night but i could only access it, not add to it, but im ok now. Andrea went to see fame last night she loved the bit you loved at the end with the car. I was thinking about that last night and how you loved the theatre and watching shows. We saw lots together didnt we? i think your absolute fav was the beetle juice show in florida, fortunately you got to see that last year for the second time. You sang your little heart out to it.

I bought a beetle juice dvd for you when you became more ill. you loved watching dvds and you loved this one, the last time you watched it was on the big screen, we all watched it together with you falling in and out of sleep. One of your other fav dvds was mean girls i lost count of how many times you watched that.

Your top 3 were grease, titanic and west side story. i dont think i will ever watch these again.

You loved all the shows, i think my fav was the lion king. We got to see that more than most. Once in london, a couple of times in disney in america, a couple of times in disney in europe. although that last time in euro disney wasnt good. that was back in january when you started to get poorly. we thought it would be a good idea to go but you became really poorly quite quickly.you slept all the way through it and i just cried.

But we have seen lots, the king and i, beauty and the beast, grease that was another all time fav of yours. chitty chitty bang bang, joseph and lots of others. do you remember i took you with the school trip to see miss saigon. what a mistake that was.i had no idea what it was about, just thought we should go. noone told me anything about it and there we where watching the opening set which was about a brothel, people using language and stuff i was mortified and we left very quickly. that was a disastrous night, but as always you were - fine - about the whole thing.

- fine -, thats what you used to say every time anyone asked you how you were. you did get asked a lot, i look back and think how unatural that was to be asking a 9 then 10 year old how they were. you said - fine - , so whenever anyone asked me i said i was - fine - too, but i never was. only around you, only to keep your world - normal - whatever that was.

Hi my gorgeous, another long and lonley day without you, which must mean another day nearer to being with you.

I was talking yeserday about your love of the theatre, what i didnt say was not only did you love watching shows, you also loved performing in them.

Every year you and your group from the Eccleston school of dancing would perform at the St Helens theatre.

You have been dressed as all sorts, a sunflower, a clown, whatever it was you always looked fantastic. The costumes were always so so colourful. I would march round to Evelyns every year and ask her to make the costumes because i was hopless. She did a wonderful job, turning you into whatever the theme was for that year.

You also loved the excuse (not that you needed one) to wear stage make up. The bolder and brighter the better.

I would pack you off with a bag full of goodies to eat whilst waiting for your turn back stage, and i would go off and watch the shows. I always went to both shows because i loved the opportunity to see you performing on stage.

When you werent practising for those performances you were always making up routines with your friends for me and whoever else would watch.

You loved - performing - you were always really good at charades very creative. Do you remember playing - my spy - when you were younger. You would say things like - something begining with - t - and it would be car or something not begining with t, it didnt matter though did it. You like to speak in different accents, American was your fav, you and Sam would talk for hours in these strange accents, I always thought of you as a drama queen and I thought you were destined for the stage..... I miss you so so much my performing angel..... so so much xxx

Hi gorgeous ive had a sad day, can you believe more sad than the others, but actually thats what is happening. I miss you more every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

We went out to look for a trophy today, we took auntie sue. I decided that i wanted something to do with dolphins. Mostly because you love dolphins and we bought you a share in one - stardust - for christmas, and because i think most children like dolphins. We found all sorts of animals mostly elephants. But we have seen fish and dolphin shaped things and so we are emailing a company. It was so difficult walking around the trafford centre without you. We all knew your fav shops, shops with smells at the top of the list was lush. Then the pier and others which you always bought something in, we all looked at claires wishing they had something but all knowing better.

Oh lottie, lottie, lottie somewhere a place for us, hold my hand and i ll take you there...... i have a journey - song which is one of my favs and the lyrics are - if i should die before i wake, i go into the night whispering your name............ xxx

Hi gorgeous, another bad day for me but one nearer to you...

Guess what I just found, your mothers day cards that you bought and made last year. I cant tell you how that made me feel. Im going to have them laminated. Why did I keep them? I havent kept any other cards from you except this years valentines card which Emma helped you with. Im so glad I didkeep them.There is an A4 sheet on which you stuck pictures and at the bottom you have written - hand made by Charlotte Baines - . Finding them was one of those heart melting moments.

I remember the other things you made and bought me which I have of course kept. A single red rose, two sunflowers (made of plastic). On one of those I have attached your pink ribbons, a jewlelery box (which I will treasure for ever), PJs and some flowers.

You liked making things, you were always drawing and painting things. Ive kept lots of your pictures some I have had framed, one I used to keep in my office at work.

One of the flowers Anutie Judith bought you has blossomed. So too has one of my Charlotte Roses. Auntie Judiths flower is white and your rose is a lovely shade of yellow. I know we always think of you as pink, but you looked lovely in yellow too. Just to prove it look at your outfit you wore for your duck/bus trip with Auntie Sue, that was one of your favs and what colour are we talking about yellow and lime.

Dad went out this afternoon and found a dolphin for your trophy/award stuff. He is going to varnish it and we need to put some information on it, not sure how because the bottom is a funny shape but we will think of something. That means it will be available to be presented this year, rather than wait til next year, which lots of people will be glad about.

I love you baby, but then you know that dont you....... xxx

Hi gorgeous, Ive just been thinking about you and the telly. You were a real telly addict. I had a little smile to myself because i remembered about how strict I was about which programmes you were allowed to watch. Do you remember I wouldnt let you watch the Simms cos i thought it was inappropriate. Two Christmases ago at school you were being allowed to watch a dvd and the dvd was the Simms, you put your hand up and told your teacher that you werent allowed to watch it. Sam told Sue who told me and from then on i said you could. I felt really bad about that because obviously everyone else in class had been allowed to watch it - hey ho.... now i would let you watch anything.

You had a set programme when you started to become more ill. It was Disney in the mornings - you loved thats so raven, lizzie magurie, and hannah montanah, CBBC in the afternoons - your favourite was the chuckle brothers and roar and Tracy Beaker. I think you liked Tracy Beaker becase she was naughty.From 5pm it was Channel 4 Paul Ogrady and the Simpsons and then Hollyoaks, then emmerdale, corry and eastenders followed by your absolute fav the bill. You also liked casualty - how bizarre.

We used to watch those shows with you, all day everyday, we would move your bed around so you could see the telly properly from whichever position you were in.

This was triggered off tonight by another of your fav programmes which i did think was sometimes a bit inapproapriate but then decided i didnt care was my family.

The nurses used to laugh when they came because they started to get used to what was on the telly.

Oh my lottie i would watch those programmes with you forever and ever if i had a choice........ xxx


Hi my most gorgeous girl, we have been to helens tonight to wish her happy birthday. Do you remember last year when you were well my baby and helen had a 40th party. Colin did our hair and you looked fab, you even danced with me and i loved that dance more than any other dance in my life. It was around that time that we embarrased you so how privelaged was i. I made you leave early but only because you had physio the next morning and you were tired even though you didnt want to be. You know i look around and see you everywhere and i miss you so so much, xxx

Hi gorgeous, do you know I think about all sorts of things, one of them was how you mispronounced words and my all time fav is denim. You always pronounced it as demin, I wouldnt let anyone correct you even though people did try.

I went to bed dreaming about you and Helens party last year. You had a great time. You chose your dress (green crinkly, shiny one), your own make up - green eye shadow to match of course, bright red lipstick and big jewels, and sparkly shoes.

There is a photo on here with you and Alice and Jack and the twins Hannah and Ellie. Do you remember you had your own stage to dance on. You all ran around, danced, sang and laughed so much that night. You were so well, and even though you complained about leaving before anyone else you had fallen asleep before we had left the car park.

I was also thinking about when you and Jack decided you would marry each other when you were older. It was a very matter of fact statement, not much romance but that was ok.

Then a couple of years later on holiday you dumped each other, again in a very matter of fact way. You remained friends of course and any idea of choosing hats for me and Andrea was cancelled - just like that.

Hi gorgeous, I had a million dreams about you last night....where do I start.....I know that you know the reds won at sports last week. What you might have missed is some of your red team mates carrying a banner with your name on it. Apparantly the reds havent won for as long as anyone can remember and Mr Holden told people that they won cos you where there tripping up the the greens.

I remember sports day and seeing you in the tug of war, which made me laugh because you were so slight, im not sure why they chose you other than your determination to do well.

You were a live wire, never still for a minute. You had just been accepted for gymnastics the week after you were diagnosed, I didnt tell you, I didnt want to upset you any more than you probably already were. That would have been right up your street toss tailing over everywhere, cartwheels til your heart was content, but it wasnt to be was it my gorgeous.

Ive just been looking at the fridge and looking at all of your pics and they made me smile.

As well as the pics, I smiled partly because of the animal stuff on there, your Auntie Judith and Matt bought you shares in a goat in Africa, we bought your shares in a dolphin called Stardance and some shares in a donkey (the name of which escapes me right now), what was all that about!

Someone asked me the other day if I let you watch the Simms dvd at school, I obviously didnt make it clear but yes I did let you, I couldnt let you be left out of anything now could I.

Your year have gone off on the school trip today, which means Im back minding Marika your fav doll. Sam gave her to Auntie Sue last night its my job to take good care of her til Sam gets back, what a responsibility!

Oh lottie lottie lottie, (the rest you know)..... xxx

I was thinking earlier about the little things we did when you became more poorly when you had taken your place on the couch at one end and me minding your feet at the other. We would play dens which was simply me and you hiding both our faces opposite to each other behind our hands. We would whisper i wuv you all the way to the moon and back, this would go on and on and you would laugh and laugh. You called it our den. Then we would kiss our index fingers and put them together. You had me massage your feet and head for hours. Yours are the only feet I would ever have anything to do with.

I was your very own manacurist, you had the most gorgeous nails which lots of people commented on, both fingers and feet. You loved bright colours (of course) and especially liked two colours for alternate nails. You were a funny minx with your own style... i love you baby xxx

Hi my gorgeous girl, Ive been thinking about all sorts again. I was thinking a lot about X Factor, and how we went to see it with Alice, Amy and Jack.

Helen got us fab seats right at the front but yu lot didnt need them because you sang danced and swayed on the seats throughout the whole of the concert we all had a great time.

I bought you the Chico CD and we had to listen to it all the way there and all the way back. Chico time wasnt really my type of music but guess what - it is now.

I bought you a chico t shirt and you wore it all night over your clothes, you must have been boiling.

Do you remember calling yourself mrs chico on your computer well dad has put it on the lap top and every time i use it, it goes straight to that.

Do you remember that series of X Factor you loved Brenda, when she went out you said you didnt think you could watch it again you were so upset, I cried because she went out and got one of those - oh mum, speeches and rolling of the eyes.

We always went to Helens to watch the final and had a great time cos we all wanted different people to win, Amy always wanted shane to win and she got her wish didnt she.

Me and Andrea sang along with Andy to me and mrs jones which got me another speech and more eyes. Im not sure why, I think its because others dont think Im very tuneful.

We always had a laugh on those nights didnt we, until the last one last year when you were so so tired, we left before the end, but I wont focus on that.

Hi gorgeous me again, well me still really..... im looking after marika infact she is on my knee as i type! I gave her lots of cuddles and kisses yesterday not as well as you would have but i did my best. im cuddling her now, but im sure im not as good as her new minder. She looks lovely, she is wearing a white t shirt with pink and lilac flowers, and a lovely pink track suit - you would approve ......

I watched a dvd of you yesterday. It was from a month before you were born (5 may, we called you junior) to when you were 7 months old. It made me, cry, laugh, smile and wish......

It also made me realise that you had a bath almost every day of your life-how dirty did i think you were.

In lots of the clips your dad said things like - wait until we show this to your friends when you are 16 or 18 or at your 21st, that made him cry yesterday...... it made us both cry actually.

It showed you doing all sorts of tricks as you might imagine, and it showed sam who was our golden retriever dog who would sit by your side constantly and lick your feet. Poor sam died of old age a couple of months after you were born, but he like everyone else loved you and wanted to protect you......

I just needed to remind you about curly hair. How you always wanted curly hair. We did all sorts to it but because it was so long and thick and heavy the curls never stayed for long.

When you found out you might lose your hair during chemo you made your own decision to have your hair cut. Quite grown up you were about it too because you had it cut in stages into different length bobs, which got shorter and shorter. In feb 2006 you where going to the school disco and had started radio therapy. You had lost some hair during chemo - quite a lot actually but because it was so thick and because we quickly realised the chemo wasnt working you didnt lose as much as they expected. Anyway I spoke to the hairdresser and told her about your radio therapy and about your desire for curls and she was wonderful with you. When you finished you had the most wonderful curly hair you were almost unrecognisable.

As well as the curls I had taken you and sam for new outfits for the disco. You both had a ball choosing things, trying them on, rejecting them, and sending me for more stuff. I remember you in the changing rooms for ages having a real laugh.

You looked so fab that night (of course), mrs t took a picture of you which i found today in your school folder. I love that picture, but then i love all your pictures dont i ......

Morning my gorgous girl, Ive checked on marika, she is still resting on one of your many eeyore pillows. You love eeyore best of all the pooh characters.When you were younger its was piglet who was your fav but more recently it changed. You have got all sorts of eeyore stuff a dressing gown (which i smell regularly), nightie, bags, purses, key rings, pencil cases oh the list goes on.

When I potted your charlotte roses, I bought two sparkly butterflies on long stems to plant in the pots too. One pink the other lilac. When the sun catches them they look like diamonds. I also bought an eeyore figure to put by the water feature. I bought it for a couple of reasons but one is because its looking up to the sky, (at you) and because it has a ladybird on its nose.

I remember you dressed as a ladybird when you where at nursery. There are photos of you on here. You got a bit bothered because you all had balloons and they kept blowing away. So I attached yours to your wrist and you loved it. You ran around laughing with it blowing. You were a smiley, laughing kinda kid really.

The dvd we watched earlier this week proved that. Im sure the same will be true of the others we watch when we build ourselves up to it.

Im trying to do positive lottie, I keep thinking about how positive you were. Thats why I put those words on your candle last night, from your service. Saying it is one thing, living it is another.

I keep thinking about those early days when you were first diagnosed. Talk about roller coaster. I remember we had to learn a new language and translate for you, translate into less scary language - it all terrified me.

I remember the night we explained to you about the tumour and treatment, and what it all meant. Other people wanted to tell you but that was our job as far as i was concerned. They gave us a book to help. It was called mary has a tumour. It was actualy very good, well written by children for children. We had both read it and thought it was ok. Then i asked if you wanted to read it with us or on your own. I was so desperate for you to say you wanted to read it with us, but i was also aware of the lack of choice you had about things now, all sorts of things really and wanted in whatever small way we could to give you some choices.

You chose to read it with us which was such a relief. At the end you said it says in here ive got cancer, people die from cancer . I was crestfallen, devasted all those things. We had both read it and neither of us had picked up on that word. I told you that was why you were having the treatment called chemotherapy so that you wouldnt die. A short time after martin kemp from spandau ballet was on advertising furniture and i told you he had had a brain tumour, what i didn tell you was he had surgery you couldnt because of the position of the tumour in your brain.

Professionals have told me that your werent in any pain, Im not sure they always know what they are talking about. For me from the moment we had to tell you, you suffered, and who wouldnt have, i did, we did and we didnt have it.

It was that night when you told us you just wanted to get on with this thing without any fuss. You said that you would do whatever you had to but you didnt what any fuss from us or anyone, thats when I saw just how positive and how brave you truly were. I hope we didnt make any fuss baby.......


Hi my gorgeous, whats on the menu today? well i thought i could either hang around feeling helpless or go for a run with you - no competition really....

While we were running we decided what we would talk about and we chose menus.

I know you played menus with lots of people but i remember one night in particular when john and andrea were visiting and you and jack decided to take our orders. It was indian of course which caused much merriment - fortunately we rang the order through to the take away. When it arrived you and jack waited on. You had t towels over your arms and you served us our food with impecible skill.

The only thing was when it came to tidying away and washing up neither of you could be found.....

Do you remember how you loved laying the table with me. I was never very good at it, your dad was always going round turning knives the other way and moving things - i didnt really care but you did. You liked to get it right!

I was thinking as well about how you liked to adhere to rules - i think i know how that came about but it used to make us laugh.....

Things like you not allowing us off the driveway without wearing our seat belts. Taking your - proper - turn and queueing properly.

I remember last year on holiday we went on the ET ride. As you enter the ride you have to give your name in for - passport purposes - . Me and your dad gave different names in and you were really annoyed with us. I dont think you spoke to us the whole way round. It was funny but for you it just wasnt right! You know i can picture that whole scene the ride and everything as if where yesterday.....

Hi my most gorgeous, i miss you more and more. I still think you could walk in, especially with your year being away this week with school...

Anyway im taking marika back to sams tonight. Ive looked after her this week but not anything like as well as you would.

Im getting my hair cut today. Thats yet another - deal - for me isnt it. Whenever i had it cut you would always say in your most dramatic voice -oh mum you look beautiful -, you were so sincere, no one will ever say that to me in that way ever again......

You loved colin coming because he would encourage you to have highlights and stuff. Not that you ever needed any encouragement, but i always thought that in years to come i would have my work cut out with you two, i imagined you with all sorts of colours and styles, if only hey gorgeous.....

I managed a couple more hurdles yesterday. I closed your account, not that you knew you had one, but i didnt want it anymore. I also threw away your cereals. You had a whole cupboard to yourself. When you would say i like those I would just buy them. If it meant yu ate something i didnt care what it was. You did like your cereals. Ready brek was a constant favourite but you had lots of others in between. Crunchy nut, sugar puffs, rice crispies and anything chocolate too. I stopped counting boxes at 7, i just put them all in the bin.

You were so funny about food. You ate like a sparrow for years. Then you went on steroids and you were a different child. You ate everything infront of you and anyone else.

I remember one of your fav foods we called shepherds pie without the shepherds'. It was basically mince and mash with my special ingredients. You loved it, with beetroot. I remember giving you a plateful and you asking if there was any left, you hadnt even tasted it - such was the power of the steroid.

You love beans on toast with cheese on top and jackets with the same filling, strawberry cheescake and milk shakes. Your dad made you the best milkshakes every day for months.

I miss you so much lottie, so very very much xxx

Hey lottie colins here he just reminded me about those highlights. He reminded me how you both bullied me into letting you have them done. He persuaded me that he would only do about three and you ended up with six - what was that about. Hes just looked at your site and is sad now, ill go and cheer him up, catch you later.....

Hi gorgeous, well marika is firmly back in good hands, i took her back to sams last night. You should see her new pram, i wont spoil it by telling you all about because sam is going to put photos on here for you but you will love it.

Me and auntie sue are mindingeach other today, emma has gone off to london for her friends hen party.

I was in your room the other day just looking at your things. One of the things i used to dislike was your pink flip phone. I only disliked it because it signified your illness. We got it for you when you first came out of hospital. You loved it. All your friends thought it was really cool. You put photos of lills and wills and joseph and all sorts of people on it. You were funny about texting, lots of people would text you and if you couldnt be bothered you just didnt reply. I had to explain to people that you werent interested in the finer art of communication - like replying to text messages.

I have got some lovely text messages on my phone from you, only simple ones telling me how much you love me and stuff. I should have made more use of that but i didnt. I never allowed myself to think about the inevitable so didnt place any importance on things like that.Ive got some lovely photos of you on it too, but again didnt think to make more use of it hey ho.

Ive found your t shirt too, the one from you birthday party last year, which you decorated. Im going to get your dad to take a photo of it and put it on here. Just because it made me smile when i saw it, it reminds me of a much much happier time. Loving you as always with all of my body and soul xxx

Hi gorgeous, i love you so much baby, but i miss you much more. I got your dad to put more photos on yesterday. Some are with your nursery friends, robert, julia, sam, jessica, richard, Lucy, rachael, sophie, ellie and so many more…..

You loved nursery, I never had any problems with leaving you there. I was lucky to get you in I rang on the off chance never expecting them to say yes. That day a woman who had her little boy the same age as you booked in rang to say she was having another baby and decided not to take up the place.

You were fortunate to be with a group who all started around the same time and who were all similar in age. We used to be able to hire the hall at weekends for parties. It was ideal because you were so familiar with it, you all played from when you arrived until you left. We used to sit on those low chairs at the low tables to watch the entertainer, and then eat jellies and cakes afterwards. There were so many of you it felt like we partied every weekend. They were such happy times.

These photos are of your last day out together (literally). I organised a trip to Gulliver’s world before you all started in your new primary schools. The idea was you would all meet again in September this year at the high school…..

You all had a wonderful time on this day, there were medals awarded and lots of ice cream. Faces painted and the sun shone all day. There are photos of you with Robert turton your co mischief-maker. You loved Robert and all the tricks you got up to. I’ve given him his full title because you always did.

I’m going to get dad to put your ‘graduation’ photo on. The one Suzanne jess’s mum arranged.

I got dad to put the photo of your t-shirt on. The one you printed at your party last year. Its another of those heart melting photos, because you had such a lovely day. You were so well and so full of energy. I remember your friends asking if I would put make up on them like I did you. The three of you sat in the conservatory deciding on colours and then were duly made up by me. I remember everything about that day. Colin did your hair perfectly you had all of your new clothes laid out on your bed. You were so excited.

Then when the limo arrived you were delighted. Emma called so that she could look after you and your friends en route to your party in it. I didn’t think you would want me there it would have cramped your style.

Then when you got to Bishop Road for your party lots of people wanted their picture taken with the limo, it looked so cool.

Pauline and Sheila did a fab b b q for you and the DJ and everything were perfect.

You printed on your t-shirt your then initials C E B OR Lottie, when I found the t-shirt it made me smile. All of these memories now are making me cry, but that’s ok because it was a very special day.

My absolute favourite picture is of my scarf. This scarf was knitted by your fair hands (and several others). It was a labour of love, you spent hours and hours knitting it. When it arrived wrapped up for me at Christmas I was over joyed. I will treasure this as my best ever Christmas present. It meant so much to you because there were times when your wobbly arm and hand wouldn’t allow you to knit so considering all you went through it is beautiful. It means more to me than you will ever know.

John and Andrea are doing a good job looking after us. We went (again) last night and at one stage were talking to Joseph and jack. Jack was telling us about his intention to work at 2 jobs when he gets older, one at the tip the other at the cinema, it made us laugh and I told them of your ‘ambition’ to fold clothes in Next and that made them laugh.

I read Joseph a story last night. It was strange really so many memories came flooding back. I used to read to you all of the time. Until you could read then we would share you sometimes reading with me listening then the other way around. You always read with such a dramatic voice. You used to read to your imaginary friends when you played teacher. You would read out the class list and woe betide anyone who didn’t answer properly. I used to laugh at you and tell you I thought you were too shouty for a teacher but you weren’t bothered.

The first books you had you were very young. They were very small and solid to withstand chewing and throwing. One set were Noddy stories and the first one started ‘it’s a nice sunny day noddy’s off to the farm’. Whenever it was a sunny day we used to repeat that right up until recently. It used to make us laugh.

You had lots of books over the years, but I remember certain ones as your favourites, one about a smelly wart hog, and another which repeated ‘you cant go over it you cant go under it, oh no you’ve got to go through it’. I’ve just remembered that was called ‘im going on a bear hunt’. We gave lots to the hospital last year because they were in such good condition. My all time fav was the one about the hare and I think it was called ‘guess how much I love you’. They said they loved each other to the moon and back – that was us wasn’t it baby – all the way to the moon and back, and back……

We took Auntie Sue out for lunch yesterday. As usual we talked about you. We smiled about your love of vegetables. How you thought things like sprouts, parsnips, broccoli and all sorts of veg were delicious. However not peas, peas always got the thumbs down. One of your fav meals was a roast dinner, with pork and apple sauce, especially when you were on steroids because you got to eat it all.

Hi gorgeous, well they sorted the site out apparantly i had run out of space but we are ok now. You wont believe what happened today, i went to buy the book tokens to go with the charlotte baines award, and there were book marks on sale one said guess how much i love you, with pictures of the mummy and baby hares - it was our story so of course i had to buy it.

It was a lovely book shop you would have loved it, i dont know why we didnt go there with you.

People are being so lovely, the man who is going to french polish your trophy said he would only do it for no charge. Some more people are doing work on your quiet corner - no charge.

I watched a lot of the Princess Diana concert yesterday. You would have really enjoyed it. They sang Joseph with lee the new one and two of the older ones donny osmond and jason donovan. You never did get to see the winner did you gorgeous. We enjoyed that competition on telly didnt we. We saw joseph a couple of years ago with stephen gately starring in it, you really enjoyed that. The show yesterday made me cry because there were lots of parts of it when i thought - charlotte would have loved that. You would have liked P Daddy singing missing you, i dont think you would have liked elton john - he wasnt your cup of tea.

Hi gorgeous, another day hey ho! your other roses have blossomed they look fab. I was looking through some boxes of my stuff from work yesterday and i found that rose you bought for me. I kept it in its container and i m so glad now that i did, it still looks exactly the same as when you bought it (including price), to me its now priceless along with lots of other gifts from you.

You were so generous lottie with everything, you shared your love so easily with people, i think thats why some people remember you so well. Yo used to be really careful with money, until you realised that you could negotiate with us, i know i was a push over i think your dad was a bit more difficult. We both had different ways of teaching you the value of money his way was to teach you not to spend it - you very quickly got round that though.

All of your shopping trips with him becamed punctuated with trips to shoe shops. So when he was in morrisons you went into the shoe shop attaced - just for a look you would say - as if. How many times did you come home with what i would describe as bad shoes/boots. Your dad would say - well thats what she wanted -, i would be mad and say - no your the adult . We always ended up laughing because they were usually pretty awful shoes/boots. Most of the time you couldnt walk in them.......

I always tried to buy you - sensible shoes, - always from clarkes and always fitted - not nearly as much fun im sure!

You and your dad liked - bargain - shops those where everything costs a pound . Not me and you though oh no we had to spend all my money or none at all, but we enjoyed it so who cares....

As always gorgeous ive been thinking about you all day.I went for a run before and our time together then is far more intense. I saw some of your friends playing out and as always i thought - lottie should be with them. Anyway whilst i was out running i was thinking about tomorrow and the fact that im going into work for a while. So i started to think about all the brave things that you have done and how i should take a leaf out of your book. Not just stuff around your illness because you were incredible throughout that time.

Three years ago we went to florida and I remembered the time you went jet skying with your dad, some might say thats not that brave but the waves were quite big and you were only 7 yrs old. If you remember whilst you did that i had the great idea that we could go para gliding. Without realising i picked the boat that glided highest in the area. As we got higher and higher it got quieter and quieter til all you could hear was the creak from the harness.

I became more and more terrified as you pointed and shouted things like - mummy theres a turtle, look theres some dolphins, in the sea. I was speaking between gritted teeth saying - hold on, hold on. You laughed and laughed and reasured me how safe it all was, and what fun it all was. I didnt feel safe until we where back on dry land. All i could think was how could i be so irresponsible to take my most valued person in the world on something so dangerous.You loved it and wanted to go up again. I think it was the scarriest thing ive ever done, until now.

Ive got a lovely new pen, bought in your honour, its a cross pen and its got pink flowers on it, it was an absolute must. Im going to wear your ear rings that auntie sue bought you, the opal and diamond ones. I know you would have liked me to wear them and auntie sue thinks its a good idea. Ive got my pink swatch watch, and lots of your photos. Its something i have to do baby, it wont stop me thinking about you, but it might stop me from going crazy..... i love you, love you, love you, but miss you more each long day xxx

Hi gorgeous, well today is another day, another day nearer to you and another day of hurdles for me. Quite a big hurdle really. As well as all those other things i forgot to mention my locket. Again bought only with you in mind, its a heart shaped locket with pictures of you inside, so i will be wearing that today and ive put a guardian angel on my bag. How sorted am i going to be today!

I was thinking last night about your first day at school. You only went in half day but you were so excited. We had been practising you getting yourself dressed and undressed as quickly as you could - which was funny. Funny partly because you didnt like seems on things in particular your socks. So they had to be just so or they came off and went back on again. We also had to practise with you carrying a tray with food on. That was funny too, but because you liked waiting on, you thought it was fab. Im not too sure what you thought when you got to school, you were so excited. Im not too sure if it ever lived up to your expectations. Only because when i asked you about it which was every day you always said cant remember. You seemed to enjoy going so i didnt mind that you didnt want to share it with me. I did really but it was something i came to accept.

It was such a huge adventure for you, not only were you starting school but starting at sues too, and we all know what you thought of that .....

Hi my gorgeous, ive had a strange day. Going back to work for some hours. I knew that it would be hard for the people i work with, but the message i got which i knew really was you are amongst friends.I got some nice hugs from some very nice people. I was amongst friends and it was ok. I had my moments but everyone knows that will happen, i love you so much how can it not. As you know i used to have my own office and had all sorts of your stuff around me. Framed pictures you had painted, pictures from one of our indian dos all sorts. Now i have to share, but i know if i ask people if i can put your stuff up they wont say no.

Ive been out with john and andy tonight and they have really looked after me. They let me talk lots about you, and like lots of my friends they have their memories too which i love.

I miss you so much my gorgeous, i really, really do, i want to say things like take care, be safe, because your not with me but thats daft isnt it... i just want to look after you baby, thats my job and now i havnt got one ....

Hi gorgeous, i was telling john and andy last night about the new car ive ordered. They think it sounds fab and both of them said - she would love it -. We had a toast to you last night, john with his orange cordial, andy with his sparkling water and me with - yes red wine.

Your trophy has been french polished and looks fab. Im going to get your dad to put a photo of it on here today. A very special person will be awarded it today at assembly.(cant say who that is right now its a surprise but you will approve of that there is no doubt). We got some gift vouchers for them too, and will do that every year.

We have also decided that we are going to get a bigger trophy so instead of one dolphin there will be two, and leave it in the school display cabinet. (it was andreas idea to do that). We are going to have a frame next to it with a picture of you and lots of info about you and how the trophy came about. We thought it would be nice to have something in school all of the time, as well as the individual trophy. I just dont want anyone to forget about you my gorgeous girl.....

Mr wellens asked if me or dad wanted to present it but that would be just too hard this time around, maybe next year.

Im not going into work today, theyve said i dont have to go in everyday, infact they have pretty much said do whatever you want....


Hi gorgeous, i know you know about your award now. Its just been presented to sam your bestest friend, mrs t just sent me a text saying she was really composed. It made me cry and i wasnt even there.....

Hi my most gorgeous, ive been to lunch with auntie marie. We did that - filling up - business that we do when we talk about you or helen. Helen would have been 42 this month which i find amazing. Im sure she is looking after you, showing you the ropes and trying to keep you out of mischief.

When we went for our run before i was thinking about ducks. I know ive spoken about them before, but i am surprised that they didnt come this year. I suppose you could read something into that, that led me on to think about the time there was the duckling with the wobbly leg. Auntie sue brought some of her team around to show them the ducks and you named the one with the wobbly leg wilbert. I was just thinking about your -line - that was fitted in your chest for your chemo. I remembered that the nurses called that a wilbur and i just thought how unusual but similar those names are - i suppose someone else would say they are as different as john and jane but it just made me think. Maybe thats why i had to go back to work, already going mad just didnt realise.

Im missing you so much baby, so very, very much.......

Hi gorgeous, ive just seen some people on a camel on the telly and it reminded me about the time when you and dad went on one in tenerife. You both disliked it a lot, i thought it looked ok but you said it was really uncomfortable - hey ho! I think it was the same holiday when we went on a boat to see dolphins. The boat hit a big wave and one after the other everyone got se sick. It was awful, there was no escape everyone wass ill. You were so good but then low and behold you were sick quickly followed by me. The boat quickly turned back and we all got off without seeing anything except people looking a bit green! I felt so guilty, here you were on holiday supposed to be having a good time......

Everything reminds me of you lottie, everything......

Hi gorgeous, bleakhill will be looking pretty in pink today. Mrs t just sent me a picture of a very beautiful young girl wearing a beautiful t shirt with you on the front - how gorgeous is that!

I know lots of girls like pink, but it really was your colour wasnt it. I remember when you stayed over at hannahs once to go to the Next sale on the saturday. You were up at the crack of dawn and off you went. When you came back you and hannah did a fashion show for me. You had chosen everything yourself and it was all pink. T shirts, skirts, trousers and espedrills all in pink. You didnt even realise it, it was just your colour. You both dressed and undressed, did the catwalk stuff, had a laugh at each other -parading - then went off to learn a dance routine to match your new outfits. I remember being terrified when i saw the espedrills they seemed so high. You had the problems with your leg then and i remember thinking - how on earth is she going to walk in those -, but you managed not for long or very far but you were determined that these things werent going to get the better of you........

Hi gorgeous, i know you will love the photos that mrs t has put on and i know you have loved today at school (you know snow patrol has just come on the radio whats that about!).

Ive had a friend here today who you dont know, she is called Pauline. Her husband died 7yrs ago and he was my very good friend (that was one of his sayings) at work called - lippy -. He had another saying which was all his very own.Whenever you asked him how he was he would say in the pink. I would describe lippy as being - larger than life -. He was as pauline described him here a - big hairy man - . He had so much charisma, everyone loved lippy. We both asked him to look after you and im sure he is, he would have loved today at school too - it being in the pink and all!

Hi my most gorgeous, you know lottie i clearly know how very special you were/are and always will be.... but since you died ive come across a huge amount of people who think you are very special too.Even people who have never met you, people who dont know you. People who say they have got to know you through your site. So many people who love you and i just think of what you had to offer this world. I know in your short time you experienced, you gave and shared so much of yourself, but how much more of a contribution could you have made, what more you had to give ........... xxx


Hi gorgeous, saturdays are strange days for me. At one time they would have been filled with swimming and dancing, another time shopping and anything you wanted to do, anything......

Im off to work today for an hour to put stuff on my desk while no one else is there. Ive got lots of things you bought me and made for me that i want to be there for when i go in next week... shall we go for a run......


Hi my most gorgeous girl, one of the most important things i have from you is that cube shaped object which is covered in green shiny wrapping paper with a gold shiny bow wrapped all the way around. You made it in nursery and i have always kept it on my desk and on it is written

This is a very special gift
That you can never see
The reason its so special is
Its just for you from me.

Whenever you are lonely
Or even feeling blue
You only have to hold this gift
And you know I think of you.

You never can unwrap it
Please leave the ribbon tied
Just hold the box close to your heart
Its filed with love inside...........

Hi gorgeous, well ive been, it wasnt easy but its done now. Ive put your photo the one thats part of the Indian collage on my window and your painting of a contempory cat is next to it. They made me tearful. I put your other things the rose and the cube and all the other things you bought for me are on my desk. My desk is so full of love you wouldnt believe it....

Ive bought another - cross - pen, a pink one, people will think im mad but you know i dont care.

Hi gorgeous, saturdays are strange days, but so too are sundays. Sunday would be another day of doing whatever you wanted to do. You know i miss silly things like polishing mine and your shoes on a sunday night. Its something i havnt done for a very long time but i still miss it. I supose from this week i will only polish mine and i wont want that will i.

Dad saw - robert turton - with his parents yesterday and that made him sad. We both had a particularly sad day yesterday for different reasons.

Its raining again for st julies gala day. I say again because it rained last year too. We only went for a short time, it was very miserable. Then i took you and hannah to see - pirates of the carribean. You both really enjoyed it. Although some of it was watched through open/closed fingers, there were a couple of sharp intakes of breath and some laughing too.

You loved going to the pictures, its sad because there are so many films on at the moment which you would have wanted to see. With your big bag of sweets, ice cream or popcorn and your huge drink.

When i took you and a friend you always liked to sit in front or behind me and pretend you were on your own. I always fell asleep at some stage and you used to be mad with me, waking me up.

The last time we went to the pictures was to see James Bond, with auntie judith and mat. James Bond was one of your very favourites. You had all the films on video then on dvd. It was the latest bond film and although you fell asleep during it a couple of times no one minded. Do you remember i bought it for you for dad for his birthday. He will treasure that dvd for ever, because he knows how much you wanted him to have it.

Hi gorgeous, st julies gala was cancelled yesterday hey ho.

Today was another day full of hurdles, i suppose ive got millions of those to come. When i was coming home tonight i wished i was rushing to take you to swimming and then onto brownies..... i went to work for a distraction, you know i missed you more today than any other, everyday is harder than the last......

Hi my most gorgeous girl, Im not going to say what today has been like, you already know. I was thinking befor about Muffin your pet hampster. You got him because we had been to visit my friend karen and her daughter Kate in Hampshire. Kate had a hampster that did tricks. You both played with the hampster all weekend. On the way home we called at all sorts of places looking for one for you and eventually found this one. You loved him and proudly called him - Muffin -. We did the usual and spent a fortune on a fancy colourful cage, a ball for him to run round in, some toys and a book that told you all about how to look after him and feed him and stuff.

You did play with Muffin not as much as he (at least we thought he was a he) would have liked you to. I think it was dads responsibility to feed Muffin. Do you remember the christmas before last when we found Muffin frozen in the utility room. We did all sorts to warm him up including using the hair dryer. Finally we brought Muffin round and gave him a new home in the conservatory where it was warm.

Then not long after Muffin got an infection in his eye. Your dad spent a fortune at the vets on anit biotics and had to clean muffins eyes with cotton buds. It was strange because I told him to sneak off to the vets without you but you found out and insisted on going. I was convinced Muffin woudnt be coming home and didnt want you to be upset.

It was ages after when Muffin did die, you were sad but you quickly got over it, maybe you have found Muffin and shown him to Brogan and Christi.

I think of all sorts of things about you Lottie, I see peope doing things and think - she will never do that, or she would have been good at that, or she would love that....

Hi my most gorgeous girl, Auntie sue came round last night and reminded me about the time Muffin went missing. He was gone for a whole week. You were worried about him and your dad set up all sorts of traps to capture him. He was on nights at the time and every morning when we got up he had placed another contraption in the kitchen to capture Muffin. Eventually one with a slide and some books and a big box worked. We did laugh didnt baby! We didnt let him out of our sight after that.

Guess where ive been today - i know you know because i think you are with me all of the time. Anyway other than work for a while I went to see Pennys mum, Sue. Guess what we talked about - oh - you and Penny! we talked about all sorts of stuff about you two and in particular that day we went to see Penny, just before you were having your line fitted. Sue and Simon thought it might help you if you saw their precious little person who had had a line fitted for ages. It did help she was like a ray of sunshine on a very sunny day. She was running around and laughing and you played with her new bubble making machine. She was so happy that day and was so very very well! On a selfish level it helped me too because I looked at Penny and thought - thats how my Lottie will be after her treatment - running about laughing and playing.

I never did tell you but i am sure your back playing again, Penny left to be an angel in February last year. I remember being devastated your dad didnt tell me for a couple of days, i was off work with you and so didnt know. But i cried and cried......

You know what one of Pennys fav story books was - im going on a bear hunt -, how amazing is that! I wonder if you have talked about that, you could play act it with her like we used to and you could both keep repeating you cant go under it you cant go over it oh no youve got to go through it.
You know Lottie Penny didnt get the opportunity to go to school, perhaps you could play - school - with her like you did with your imaginary friends, I bet Penny would love that. Dont do your - shouty - voice though, you want her to enjoy it like you did.

I miss you so much, so very very much.....

Hi gorgeous, when i was in the car coming home I heard - dancing in the moonlight -, and immediately thought of you. I told dad to add it to the list of your favourite songs, to put on the CD we are compiling.

You loved singing. You were always singing along to music in the car, you would turn the volume up if you where sat in the front or shout 'turn it up' if you where in the back of the car. You always remembered the lyrics which used to make me smile. I remember thinking'when has she heard this before to know so many of the lyrics'? You had such a varied taste too. You liked heavy metal stuff like ted nugent and his 'motor city mad house'. You loved Queen with their 'we are the champions' and 'we will rock you'. You loved Jorney and 'lights', which is really strange because most chilren your age wouldnt even know Journey existed. I remember picking you up from sues and the radio would be on or you would choose the CD to listen to and we always sang along. You didnt much like my singing but then not many people do hey ho!

I cant tell you how much i miss you lottie, i just cant describe how it feels.....

hi gorgeous, Im glad that week is over. Ive had a strange week but then you know that dont you.

Guess what im going to get my new car tomorrow, but then you will know about that too wont you.

Im missing you so much baby, theres lots to share but im not sure i want to right now, whats that about!

oh lottie, lottie, lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, well im sorting my car out before i get my new one. I have got such mixed emotions about this one going. Ive found some of your lip gloss and one of your rings in the door pocket, so together with your pink star shaped ear rings which you also left in the door pocket i will put them all in my new car door pocket.....

Hi gorgeous, what do you think? Your dad thinks you will love it and im sure he's right. Ive put your stuff in the door. I took your CD but couldnt play it because they havnt got the radio code - whats that about? but your CD with your fav songs on will be the first ever CD played, i promise you.

Today has been a really tough day, you should have been with me to put your polos and your other things in whichever space you wanted to. You just should have been with me, i mean really with me.....

My gorgeous girl, ive been watching telly and guess what, you would love whats on. There is a show were people have to finish off the lyrics to songs to win which you would love, you picked up lyrics so quickly. The other is with arlene and bruno from strictly dancing, you would like this more than strictly dancing because its trendy, i watched these things thinking only of you - as always. Everything i do, everywhere i go, its all punctuated by my most gorgeous girl. Even being at work this week didnt change that.....

Im missing you more today than any other day, i love you so much
baby....

Hi my most gorgeous, what a day today has been, i know you will have been helpng andy and i know he will be grateful.

I had films developed today that ive found around the house, some are really old but some are from last year. I had them developed and will be producing some of them on your site. There are some really old ones from when you were a rainbow, and some of you and sophie cotter from when you were about 3yrs.There are others from last year when you were a water baby. I look at those from last year on our holiday in florida and i just think you were so well, so very well, whats all this about. We have been to helen and pauls tonight and all i think is you should be here, you really should......

Hi gorgeous, well more hurdles for me today, but i will be thinking about you every time i climb one, i love you lottie, but then you know that dont you xxx

Hi baby, i did have some hurdles today, i wondered if you were mad with me today when my necklace carrying your locket snapped and i couldnt open the front door when i first arrived home. I dont know, maybe i do, who knows, all i know is how much i love you and how much you mean to me xxx

Hi my most gorgeous girl, your dad took your swing down at the weekend. Do you remember when we first got it you were only months old and it had a seat like a bucket. Then as you got older we were able to change it into a 'big girls' seat. I cant begin to imagine how many times you played on that swing.You and your friends had hours and hours of fun on it. We decided it had to come down because the frame had become unsteady and i was worried if anyone played on it now it might break and they might get hurt. We had our monies worth out of that though, other than some cuddly toys ive got from when you were born, i think that is one of the few things we had for most of your life - what a strange statement that is.....

Hi gorgeous i used to like sharing our stuff with everyone but ive become a bit precious about it, i feel like thats our stuff, hey ho....

Hi gorgeous, well here we are 2 whole months without you! People keep telling me how time is flying - its not for me. I miss you so very much lottie, more than i could ever describe. We have been invited to school tomorrow for the opeing of your corner. Part of the irony of it is that its going to be called a 'quiet corner', which you most definitely were not. You used to talk from the minute you opened your eyes in the morning until you closed them again at night. Your chatter was relentless, what i wouldnt give to hear you again.....

I really really want to say something tomorrow at the opening of your garden but your dad said i wont be able to, what do you think babe, do you think i will be able to? i think i will try, i really want to say the poem we got your uncle john to read at your service but i dont know. I will sleep on it and see how i feel when i get there......

morning gorgeous shall we go for a run.....

Hi gorgeous, well what a morning that was. We went to school for the opening of your 'thinking' space, we all ageed that was far more appropriate than 'quiet space'. Like i said yesterday and we all agreed the last thing you were was quiet. Anyway auntie sue told me that you could see it from the road and i did wonder how. Idont wonder how anymore. Well baby you would love it, you really would. Its beautiful, infact quite magical. People have worked so hard to have it ready for today. Parents and friends teachers, helpers, your year. They have put a wind chime in which is pink. Your intials are painted on the hanging baskets - in pink. The benches and table are - yes pink. There are lots of beautiful flowers in pink painted planters. They even put pink painted footprints on the grass. Mrs T planted this years rose of the year and guess what its called - 'tickled pink'. Theres a cherry blossom tree been planted opposite too. Its fab lottie really fab. All the children came out of class and Mr Wellens said some lovely stuff and i cut the ribbon to open it. It was such an emotional time it really was. I told them that you would love it, that you would think it was fab. I couldnt say any more though lottie i was too emotional.

It rained so i had your pink umbrella, it felt right to have it with me. Its a funny umbrella cos its got 'punk' stuff on it.

Im going to get your dad to put some pictures on here. We have got a key so we will be able to visit whenever we want. I wondered if i should invite your friends but i couldnt speak very easily. We will be going with auntie sue and john and andrea and everyone, infact anyone who wants to come with us will be welcome. We are going to buy things to put there too. I would like your photo there and auntie sue had a good idea so we will find out if its possible...... i miss you so much baby, more than you could ever imagine....

Hi gorgeous, sorry about yesterday, saturdays are not good for me, actually i struggle with sundays, and lets not talk about the rest of the week.

Im trying my best not to 'do' dates. There are certain dates i will never forget like the date the tumour was diagnosed, the date they said 'theres no more treatment', and of course the day you died. Thats a difficult one in as much as i think its been 9 weeks today (yesterday), 2 months on the 19th, saturdays themselves are a date.

Im trying my best because i can remember the day you started your chemo. I remember that for millions of reasons but i remember them saying dont handle the tablets (as well as stuff that was fed into your line). They gave us boxes of surgical gloves. I remember thinking 'ok so i put gloves on to handle something which i say to my baby you put this in your mouth - i dont think so'. What was that about anyway we got over that didnt we. Then when the chemo stopped then when your radio therapy started -stopped. Dates for scans, i remember them all baby, that was my job. Im not going to do it though its not healthy, it doesnt make any difference. I keep telling myself 'nothing i say/dont say, nothing i do/dont do will bring her back'. It doesnt stop me being sad and wishing though!

I got your dad to agree that we wouldnt throw anything of yours away without consulting each other. Things dont mean the same to us, anyway, i had been in your bedroom one day recently and i noticed the countdown chart made during your radio therapy. It was rolled up in your unit. I told your dad i wanted to throw it away and he agreed. However when i opened it out each date was covered in stickers which you had placed there. I immediately remembered how happy you were after each treatment to put stickers on the date. The stickers were things like smiley faces, winnie the pooh characters and others. All i could see was your big smiley face putting the sticker on and saying things like 'one more over', and then eating chocolates from their big box. It reduced me to tears and i couldnt possibly throw it away, it had you and happy all over it....

Yesterday was a really sad day, but kath had invited us to hers to release balloons for you. Lots of people went to lots of trouble to make it all pink. Kath especially, she had lots of pink things, flowers and cocktails, helen bought the balloons, amy made pink fairy cakes and everyone wore something pink. Paul bought a new t shirt which he looked lovely in. Everyone wrote a message (including amelia) on pink paper. We released the balloons outside kaths and they went on and on. I included in mine that if anyone found it they might like to light a candle on here for you but we will wait and see.

I miss you so much my baby, you would love all this stuff, but i wish it wasnt happening, i wish it wasnt necessary, i wish i wish i wish.......

Hi gorgeous, well we've been. Me auntie sue and emma went for a jaunt on the duck bus. Just like you and auntie sue last year. We went at the same time as you both, the first monday after school has finished. Emma needed some of your brave but actually didnt realise how much until we entered the water. We all wore yellow, Auntie sue had a bright yellow jacket, and emma put together lovely pink carnations with yellow roses, wrapped in lovely yellow and pink sparkly ribbon for us all. She also sprayed them with sparkly glitter hair spray, they are beautiful. We wore yellow because you did last year.

The driver on the duck bus asked us if we had been to a wedding, i told him no it was a special day. Then off we went to the ha ha bar, auntie sue had your fish fingers and chips me and emma had something different because we didnt think you would mind.

Emma asked you for sunshine and hey ho it did, it rained when we where on the way home so that was fine.

We all had a special day and thought about you and yes you guessed it talked about you all day. Missing you baby......

I just got back from taking auntie sue and emma to your 'thinking garden'. Emma loves it, your wind chime was blowing it sounded so peaceful. oh lottie, lottie, lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, i think about you all the time, i miss you so much my most gorgeous girl, i wish, wish, wish xxx

Hi my most gorgeous girl, people keep asking me why i have stopped leaving messages, i just say im sad, so very sad, i cant do sharing right now, but i will, im just in a dark place right now, but it wont be like this all of the time, you know how i feel lottie xxx

Hi gorgeous, people are worried about me, they dont need to be do they, im just sad thats all. If i wasnt sad then i would welcome people worrying. I just feel like this because i love you so much and i miss you even more.

The next catalogue arrived a couple of days ago and like everything in my world reminded me so much of you. We used to go through it together and you would make a list of what you wanted. You used to get it all too. You would tell me what you wanted me to buy, what i would suit, what you liked ...... It was one of our things wasnt it, another one of our things.

The next sale was on at the weekend and again i was reminded of when you went to the summer sale last year with hannah and tracy. You queued from very early that morning and everything you bought was pink. All different shades, some things had sparkly things on some had frills. You bought t shirts, skirts, a dress, some tops and shoes. You were so well then baby, so well and so very happy. You took those things on holiday to florida and as always you looked so beautiful. I love you so much baby.....

Hi gorgeous, andrea gave us some pictures the other day, from richard barons dad. You remember him from nursery dont you. Well he is a teacher at andreas school. Im going to get your dad to put them on here.

I was trying to describe your service to one of my friends today and she said i heard it was really special, she couldnt come because she was visiting her mum in norfolk at the time she was poorly. Anyway we talked about you for ages.

I miss you so much baby i just keep wishing.....

Hi gorgeous, we had a good run today didnt we. The farmers have trimmed their hedges so we are not ducking and diving out of the way are we. I miss you so much baby, i think about you all of the time. What you should, would, could be doing, who with all that sort of thing.

Im being 'minded' again for the next couple of days i hope you are with me.

Your dad is making me watch a film with rowan atkinson in. That means i will be going to bed soon. You used to love watching him didnt you. You love mr bean and johnny english, not my cup of tea, but i would watch them with you if you wanted me to.

Your dad put more pictures on the other day. There are a couple from alex's party where you had a make over. You loved it because they put highlights in your hair and put sparkly make up on you. The pictures are beautiful of you. There are also some of you and natalie at chester zoo. Just a couple of months after you were diagnosed. They let you both feed the penguins and you both had a lovely day. It was a special day mostly because you laughed so much and had a really great time.

There are lots of others and your dad will put them all on eventually.

Im going to carry your IPod with me for the next couple of days.Do you remember when you got your pink IPod from my friends from work. It was really state of the art at the time. It will be the first time ive listened to your music for ages. Ive got other things too.

Ive given your dad a list of jobs to do while im not here, he will be in big trouble if he doesnt do them.

I passed the stables today where you had horse riding lessons. I saw rosy the dapple grey horse. You used to call her the 'apple' grey horse, it was one of those things you said which we didnt correct because it made us smile. You loved that horse, and wanted to carry on lessons. I had to tell you only when you were better because you couldnt hold on properly. Oh baby, baby........

You know baby people say you crammed lots into your short life, and i suppose you did, but there was so much more for you to do. I wanted you to have so many different experiences, i simply wanted more, thats all more time with you........

Well my gorgeous im back from barcelona. Andrea, Helen, Lizbeth, Kath and Karen have been 'minding' me. They were all very lovely, the weather was lovely, everything was lovely, but all i could think about was missing you. I avoided the 'duty free' stuff on the way out. That used to be one of our favourite things to do didnt it. We would spend ages smelling perfumes, trying on lipsticks and you always ended up with goodies. I loved those times, so simple yet so enjoyable. That was always our time wasnt it.

While i was away i saw what looked like mums with their daughters and kept thinking, that would have been me and you in years to come. We would have visited lots of places together and one of those places would have been barcelona.

I looked in shops and saw things that i would have bought for you. Things you would have liked - not liked. Food that you would have liked - not liked. I was surrounded by memories of happy times.

I took some of your stuff, some i left in my case but other things i carried everywhere with me. I reasoned that on this trip you wouldnt have been with me but it didnt make the pain go away. It didnt stop me feeling so sad and crying when i was on my own, it didnt stop me thinking 'if only'......

I did a silly thing on the way back, without even thinking i wondered into the duty free shop and it was like walking into a brick wall. It just made me cry. Even things as straight forward as getting the luggage off the conveyor belt - it was one of your jobs to tell your dad when our luggage came out. You used to get so excited. One of the hardest things was trying not to remember our last trip to disney in january, anyway... everything i do reminds me of you which would be ok if you where here and the pain wasnt.

I love you so much my gorgeous girl, so very very much, but i miss you a whole lot more.......

Hi gorgeous, i know i keep saying about things that remind me of you but we did go on lots of holidays with you didnt we. Putting on suncream without putting it on you first was an amazingley intense 'missing you' feeling. That was always my job wasnt it. Your skin was so soft. I remember once your shoulders didnt get burnt but got more sun than they should have. We where on holiday in florida on the coast. The following day i made you wear a t shirt - you didnt complain. I felt so so guilty.

I took your pink ipod to barcelona. I couldnt play it though. I should have realised that before i went.The thought of listening to the music you chose specially just made me feel sad, can you imagine how that feeling would have intensified had i listened to it. So i just carried it around with me instead....

Your dad introduced jack to ebay while i was away. He suggested to him that if he emptied their garage and sold everything he could ask his mum and dad for 50% and they would probably agree just to get rid of everything - oh no another power seller......

Shall we go for a run baby.....

I wore one of our hats while i was away. You know what im like about getting my head burnt. I remember you always wore my hats while we where on holiday. Straw hats, baseball caps, you always ended up wearing mine even though you had your own. Do you remember when they said that you would lose your hair because of the chemo treatment. I rushed into liverpool to buy you the most fab hats. I spent a fortune buying you different types. Ones with scarves, ones with gloves but all matching.You didnt wear most of them although you did love hats. There are lots of photos with you wearing hats, you suited them too. You had some of the most up to date head gear. Even hats with braids hanging from them which came from the hospital. You quite liked those too.

Hi my most gorgeous girl in the whole wide world oh lottie, lottie, lottie i miss you so much baby, i think about you constantly. I walked into NEXT today in liverpool and felt a big panic attack. They have moved childrens wear upstairs, and there were all sorts of clothes that you would love. I asked a woman what was going on and she said refurbishing. Apparantly they will be returning it to the basement, i cant wait i decided i wouldnt go into that department ever again, it was such a shock to see childrens clothes upstairs and made me feel so sad, all over again. Theyve got uniforms and school shoes on sale everywhere i looked and i just think if only, if only.....


Hi gorgeous, you know i miss you, everyone knows i miss you. We did so much 'stuff' together and shared so much. This time two years ago i was worrying that you might not be able to drive when you grew up. Can you believe that. Now i think if only..... You would say that when you learned to drive you would have my car. I apparantly would just give it to you as a matter of course. I was fine with that not having any idea where we would be now. I wish so much that was going to happen but thats not to be .....

Hi my most gorgeous girl, i think you where with me today at work especially at the meeting i had to chair. I felt you helped me be 'kind' to people who talked about stuff not relevant to the meeting. I wouldnt have been 'kind' in the past but hey ho there i was today being really considerate whilst 'shutting' people down so we didnt all have to listen to their moans.

You are so obvioulsy there, with me and others and its just you caring, you always cared about people and that has clearly continued. I love you so much baby, my whole world is all about you. People say 'what are you doing this weekend' they dont realise that actually i havnt got anything to do anymore, all my weekends were about you. Then they say 'have a good weekend', i cant imagine that to happen ever ever again. This weekend will be more difficult than the others if thats possible. Auntie sue calls you her necklace, that is just what you were, so tactile, always kissing and hugging and just touching.... i miss that so much....I cant believe your not here baby, i cant believe your not going to walk through the door, or rush in my bedroom in the morning like you did. I cant believe that no one is going to kiss, hug or touch me like you did. I just find that so so hard to accept....

Hi gorgeous, another saturday without you! Your sunflower that you planted years and years ago is growing. You were never really interested in the garden. You liked that i planted all sorts of colourful flowers but you didnt like gardening with me did you. But anyway its hooge as you used to say when you were younger. Another word we didnt correct. I loved you saying it hooge, hey ho....

You used to have a saying that made made me smile , you would say 'do you know what i mean'. Often you said it out of context and it made me laugh, whats that about!

Hi baby i hope you enjoyed our run. I was thinking about your fish. I dont know why. If you remember after the tumour had been diagnosed your friends at your dance school collected a pile of money for you to buy yourself a pressie. It was difficult for you to decide but i persuaded you that you wanted a pressie from somewhere other than 'clares'.

One day after you had been for an eye test, i took you to the pet shop. The eye test result was that your poriferal vision was being affected so we needed cheering up. Anyway you said you wanted a chinchilla, until i told you that they were nocturnal. Then you decided on fish. The man in the shop was very helpful and said that tropical fish were easier to look after than gold fish. You picked a fab fish tank and all sorts of things to go in it like a skeleton (when you were younger you said 'skelington, another word we didnt correct) a bridge, plants lovely pink stone for the bottom and then fish. You could only choose 6 fish to begin with, then after a week or so you could get 6 more and so on. You chose some lovely colourful fish.

The first fish you bought were tetra neons, they have blue and red in them, and to make life easier you called them all 'bob'.Then you bought 5 golden orfe and called them all 'lightening'. You bought 3 catfish and called them 'hoover', one was bigger than the others so you called him 'dyson'. You liked your fish, we all did. I sit and watch them for ages and ages.

The week before you died about 6 of the fish died, it was very odd. We lost one a day.Your dad replaced them but you didnt know anything about anything then you were so heavily sedated. How strange was that!

Someone asked me recently if i thought i talked to you via this website, i said i do, maybe that makes me odd i dont know. You know baby i dont know what else to do, i wish i wish you know the rest gorgeous, xxx

Hi gorgeous, what a run that was - 6 miles, i havnt run that far for years. Today isnt a good day for me baby so i needed to try and get rid of some of that negavtive stuff i feel. Your dad wasnt impressed when i told him where i wanted to run, only because its a hard run. Anyway weve done it now.

I cant tell you how many times ive played over in my mind that friday 2 years ago when they told us you had a brain tumour. I can picture every minute of that day.I can remember an appointment i cancelled that morning. It was with a guy called sean bell. Guess what i work with sean now. I said i wouldnt do dates but some are just imprinted forever. This is one of those dates.

When we took you to hospital we had no idea. You were only 9 years and 2 months old so they couldnt be telling us anything too serous could they.We thought they would say you had diabetes, can you believe that. I went in my uniform and met you and your dad there thinking i would be able to carry on to work what on earth was i thinking about. You played for hours and hours because we were there all day. I remember at one stage a nurse saying to us do you think she should be left on her own. You where in a play room with some other kids and me and your dad thought she was a bit over the top. She obviously knew stuff that we didnt. You know we still didnt twig to the seriousness of it all.

Then they told us and the rest as they say is history.....

I cant believe that 21 months later you died. I know in my head we did all we could, but in my heart i think did we really do everything we could. Should we have gone elsewhere, i dont know america or somewhere. But my head says what difference would that have made. The tumour didnt repsond to the treatment, the only treatment available so what would going somewhere else have achieved. I just miss you baby thats why im rambling, i would give anything, anything for things to be different but then im sure you know that, i love you so much my lottie xxx

hi gorgeous, you know i never allowed myself to think about you dying until about 2 weeks before your death. maybe that was why i was strong, maybe that was how i coped. you were so so brave, you didnt show how it bothered you and i followed your lead. i think about you all the time baby, all the time xxx

Hi gorgous, been out with auntie marie, sue and emma today. Ive given auntie marie your photos and she was delighted. Its been a strange day baby, but then so are most of my days.

I remember this day two years ago but im not going to, other than to say you were so happy, blissfully ignorant, and as usual happy, you spent the day with sam and you both had a great time.....


Hi my most gorgeous girl, my mind is all mixed up, i think about this time last year when you were so well, and so excited about going to florida. Then i think about this time 2 yrs ago when i remember the day so well, again a day spent with sam but that night it was a sunday and you went into alder hey. I remember it so well, i remember the next couple of weeks you spent in hospital. Preparing you for your biopsy, treatment, telling you what it was all about. Explaining everything in a way that didnt frighten you like it did me I remember them saying about the tablets part of the chemo 'you cant handle these you have to wear gloves'. I remember thinking 'so how does that work, this is the most important person in my world, im giving her tablets to put in her mouth and digest yet i cant handle them i have to wear gloves - i think not'. As always baby i had a plan.

I remember challenging them about where you were treated. You where in the high dependancy unit to begin with which meant they woke you every couple of hours, which meant you were so so tired and all the stuff which goes with that. Eventually i got you moved from there to a ward sharing with 3 others,then to a room on your own. I wouldnt let it go would i, you needed your sleep and that was that.

Then i had the challenges about you going home at weekends and eventually that happened, i look back and think how did we get through all of that but you were so so good about it all. I suppose it gave me something else to focus on.

I remember me and your dad took it in turn to stay with you.Initially it meant sleeping in a chair - that didnt matter, but you didnt like me staying because you said i worried too much. Little did you know baby. I also remember you asking 'why did god choose me for this'. I was devastated, i told you that you hadnt been chosen by anyone or thing it was just those cells growing in the wrong place. I was so sad baby but i couldnt let you see because i didnt want to frighten you.

It was all so rubbish - as you would say, so so rubbish.......

Hi baby, lots more hurdles today - i miss you so much lottie, so very very much, i just wish, but whats the point your not coming back so i just have to settle for memories and photos - whats that about gorgeous!

Hi my most gorgeous girl, i think all sorts of things about you. i think the weather has been really nice the last couple of days and you would have complained because i would have covered you in factor 50. You always wanted a sun tan and i was always worried that you would burn. I look at some of your photos and you did change colour just not as much as you wanted to.

I remember when we went to majorca in october last year you made me buy SP20 . You were always going on about it because sam used it and she was much fairer than you. That was your reason for me buying it. It was clear sun block that you used only once a day and applied it an hour before going into the sun. You were delighted because you were allowed to come down from factor 50 to 20. It was very good because you did change colour but there was no hint of sunburn. Didnt stop me from carrying it around all day - just in case.

Do you remember making me help you count your freckles. You werent over keen on freckles but i said they were a sign of beauty. You had one which i loved which was on the side of your thumb. Why did i love that i dont know i just know that i did.

Like me as soon as you went out into the sun you got more and the ones you had became more obvious. They were gorgeous baby just like you....

Hi gorgeous, well its been 12 weeks today since i last held you in my arms - it feels like a lifetime ago baby....

I keep thinking about how well you were this time last year and where you would have wanted to go on holiday this year - its that time of year isnt it baby. I think i can guess - florida.... and we would have gone to make you happy, that was our 'job'. I havnt got a 'job' now have i, i just fill in time.

Hi my gorgeous, whenever i think of holidays i think of animals, how many zoo's and aquariums and farms did we visit over the years? I think how much fun you had on rides and how much of a daredevil you were! You had started to plan things for holidays and had started to join in more with where we would visit and what we would do, i wasnt bothered and would tag along anywhere, i miss you so so much lottie....

Hi baby, yesterday we spent lots of time with your favourite people - yes the mckeowns and garners. How gorgeous are they, they have been looking after us for so long, and yet they dont relent they keep on going. They love you so much baby and they miss you too. They so want to make things right for us, but how can that be when you should be here, you really should. You would love whats going on with amelia your god daughter, she is walking now and doing her best to talk, you would have been delighted with her progress. Joseph who you decided was your 'god brother' is trying to swim and you would love that too, you would have tried to help him and play with him.

I think really we would have been away with them for at least a week this summer, and the rest is history.

Hi my most gorgeous girl, oh lottie, lottie, lottie, we have done a couple of things this weekend including going to auntie judith and matts flat. You would love it, they have a place for you to stay and judith had it sorted for how she was going to introduce you to the real london, not the tourist stuff we have done in the passsed. She remembered the time in the passed we came to visit and she met us to wonder around the british museum which we all loved. You know baby you are such an important part of peoples lives. We are all just coping. Me more than anyone, you know the sketch baby dont you, you are my world, you are the most important person in my life... hey ho... xxxx

Hi gorgeous, well today was another day when all around me was about you. Its not even a place we have been to together, but you where here with me today. Looking at the jewels, looking at the bags, looking at the shoes, so much pink i couldnt believe it. I wonder if pink has always been so prominent or am i just noticing it now. I dont know, but i cant see pink and not think about you. Actually i cant not think about you full stop. I had joseph and alice in the back of my car today and they loved it. Just like you, joseph thought it was fab not having a roof. Then alice wanted a go too. Its funny because one of the things i find difficult is i dont sit in the passanger seat at an angle any more. The angle that meant i could see you and talk to you all of the time. Ive started to sit straight on and i dont like it. But when joseph and alice where in the back today i just sat at my usual angle and you know i missed you all over again. I know you would have liked them being there. I know when i see them in the hot tub you would have loved that too. Actually you would have loved the whole set up, but hey ho.......

Morning gorgeous, another day, another day without you. I can hear you running about and laughing. This time last year you were so well and having me buy you all sorts of stuff for our holiday to florida. You were so excited because you knew you wouild be able to go on all the rides. you knew you would be tall enough without having to wear heels or a hat.

It didnt cross my mind we would never go again. I didnt think about it being our last time together there in your favourite holiday destination. Im glad about that though i cant imagine ever thinking 'this for the last time' .....

I miss you so much baby, but then you know that dont you.....

Hi my most gorgeous girl, you know i dont know what made me think about it today but i was looking at your photo, the one in which you are wearing your yellow froggie t shirt, with matching lime green skirt. You loved that outfit but what did i do, i washed something pink of yours from Next and the colour ran and ruined your yellow t shirt. I complained to Next and got some vouchers back from them, but when we went to replace that particular outfit they had stopped selling it. You got other things i know but i was so mad with myself, its not something i do and it would have to be your stuff. Im sure for forgave me you were very good at forgiving. What made me think about that baby.....

You know ive been jumping more hurdles the last couple of days, ive been doing things with a heavy heart, just always thinking 'you should be here', 'you would love this, that and the other', i suppose i will think that for the rest of my life without you wont i, oh how i miss you baby.

As usual the Mckeowns and Garners have been fab, what would we do without them lottie.....

Hi gorgeous, whats on your menu today then. I can remember this time last year and this time 2 years ago. I think that those memories will stay with me forever. This time last year you were happy and well and planning for floriday, for Josephs birthday and for the birth of amelia your god daughter. This time 2 years ago you were in hospital, having found out about the tumour.

I have used today and lots of other days some lyrics from whats almost become your signature tune 'chasing cars'. It never ceases to amaze me that you knew those lyrics at a time when you were really ill, and hardly communicated at all. I think of those lyrics and think 'how poignant' they were for the opening of your service. Today ive used 'i dont quite know how to say, how i feel, those three words are said too much, theyre not enough' - and its true baby. I know im always saying i love you and miss you. I even say 'its just that simple', but actually its not simple at all, i cant describe in words how i feel, the depth of my emotion about you dying goes far far deeper than 'i miss you', but then you will know that. I cant describe the emptiness i feel without you, the gap left, the void which will never be filled.....

Its then i try and think of some of the other words said at your service like 'you can shed a tear that she is gone, or you can smile because she has lived.' I think today is a day for both my most gorgeous girl, i think today is a day when i think about how brave you were, how happy you were when all that 'rubbish' (as you would describe it) was going on. I think i need some of that brave baby........

hi gorgeous had lots of problems with the site today, but here we are...

ive been looking at my blog today which i havnt done for ages, it reminds me all about the difficult times you had to endure. You did it with such dignity babe, dignity and brave. You never complained you just got on with it, but in such a positive way. You carried on playing being mischievious and being 'normal'.

I pictured in my mind every day, i could see you and what affects it was having on you. You were determined right until the end what you wanted to do. Be it go to sues, or for lunch or shopping. The dates are all there but im not going there ive told you before.

A new X factor starts tomorrow and im wondering if i can watch it. It was one of our shows wasnt it babe. We used to have such fun watching it, choosing who we liked, who we didnt, laughing at the odd ones. Deciding who should win. Just having fun together, thats what we did wasnt it babe....... i miss you so much my gorgeous, more than anyone will ever know xxx

Hi gorgeous, well here we are on saturday again.... I remember that first time i took you to auntie sues, you had been at nursery for years and here you were at sues being shy. I couldnt believe it. There are many words i could use to describe you, shy isnt one of those words. Sue remembers this day particularly well but you were in your dance outfit having just been to do a bit of tap and ballet. When we got to sues you hid behind me. I remember thinking 'what will this woman think'. You did all that rolling your tongue around your mouth when she spoke to you, it really was amazing. But it didnt last did it gorgeous, almost in the twinkle of an eye you were yourself. Making your mark on your new 'family'. A family that im so so grateful to that, i feel i will cherish forever.

Do you remember your favourite series of X Factor, the one with Brenda in. You wanted Brenda to win so much, you said you wanted to change your name to Brenda. When she went out i cried and you gave me one of those 'oh mum', speeches. You also declared that you could never watch the programme again, not now that she had gone out. We did though - you couldnt not watch. Ive mentioned before about Helen getting us those fab tickets to watch the show live in Manchester. You had turned into a chico fan by then. We had a wonderful time that night, even though we did get a bit lost on the way back to the car.

Auntie Sue has sent me a gorgeous box of flowers all pink and yellow, but then you know that dont you.

I love you my most gorgeous, but then you know that too dont you.....

Hi babe me again, i have been thinking about your mispronunciation of words and me and andrea shared a knowing smile last saturday, when joseph said 'jeannette, jeannette, this pool is hooge.' That was one of your words we didnt correct wasnt it. I dont know if anyone else realised but it did make us both smile.

Ive bought josephs and amelias birthday presents, all with you in mind of course. It was so difficult baby, you should have been choosing them shouldnt you. Im sure you where with me.You loved choosing presents for other people. I remember last year the time you spent choosing josephs. I also remember you saying 'its got to go with his colouring mum,' what a funny thing for someone so young to say. Everything you did choose was always full of love. When joseph opened your present last year he stripped off what he was wearing and immediately put on what you had given him. I dont know if you remember but it was a white t shirt with a grey and pink tank top set and a pair of demin (your word not mine)shorts. He loved them and you laughed and laughed. He made you so happy babe, doing silly things that made you laugh your very own god brother...

Hi gorgeous, well i did it, i watched X Factor, im not sure i will be able to watch it again baby. It was your show and yours and my show, you loved it. I know i say that about lots of things but you got so involved. I used to allow you to vote, not early on in the show but certainly as it got to the heats. You were an entertainer and so loved to get so invovled in this show. You had so many opinions, you were so loyal to people you identified early on as X Factor material. I watched tonight and cried most of the way through it. There was a girl band they put through and you would really love them. You would want to be one of them. There was a 14 year old girl who again i know you would love. I feel if i can cope with watching in the future i will have to vote for them because of you. I spend so much of my time doing things i think you would want me to do and this is so significantly you, and you and me. i miss you so much baby, so so much.......

Morning my most gorgeous girl, here we are three months without you. Three months since i last held you in my arms, stroked your face and told you how much i love you. It feels more like three years......

I wonder whats on your menu today, i just wish and wish baby. Auntie sue sent me those lovely flowers so that she could be with me today.....

I love you babe, but you know that dont you.......


Hi gorgeouse well we avoided the present opening and as you already know joseph loved his spider man t shirts and p j's cos he had them early. Then there was the toast in pink champagne of course, and part of it was to you his god sister, oh baby......

He is still a cheeky monkey which you loved and i know if he could express it he would say how much he missed you, you always indulged him didnt you my gorgeous, nite baby tomorrow is another day,another day nearer to you xxx

Hi gorgeous, im missing you so much baby, but you know that dont you...... i constantly find it hard to believe that you are gone forever.... i think about this time last year, i think about what we were doing in particular preparing for your holiday. Sue, Penny's mum gave me a pink disposable camera for you to take away with you. She wanted to see your photos when we came back, when i took the camera to have them produced there was only one photo on it and that was one of you looking so tall. I will get your dad to put it on here.

The others on here of you swimming in the pool where taken at the place we stayed in florida. You thought it was brilliant there because you made friends with american girls, all of a similar age to you and all of whom loved the pool like you did. So when we got back from the theme parks you went on another adventure to the pool.

You had always loved being in water. When you were only months old we took you swimming. You had a seat thing that supported your back that you could sit in that gave you so much freedom in the water. You often spent more time under the surface than you did above it. You loved diving for things from the bottom of the pool. You loved snorkling, You where a true water babe....

Hi my most gorgeous girl, i forgot to tell you about my asian friends on sunday and sean. Everyone was really lovely. Some of them came to your funeral and dare i say 'loved' it or more to the point thought it was lovely, mostly because none of them have ever seen anything like it before, they were very impressed. Anyway as always they wanted to look after me.

Sean from work was there and he was wearing a pink shirt, i was delighted and told him why. He was impressed when i told him he would get a mention on your website.

Today has been a strange day, ive been really melancholic this afternoon. No one will have noticed i was busy with a report but its just one of those days when suddenly i feel more sad than usual. I look at your photos on my desk and just wish, no harm in wishing is there baby, even though i know better dont i, just wishing babe.......

Hi my most gorgeous, you know someone told me today that i was lucky because i have three archangels looking over me, i know she meant well but i just wanted to tell her that youre my most important angel, and that really youre all i want. I also wanted to say that me and luck shouldnt be used in the same sentance but she was a nice lady and she did mean well.

I need to visit your thinking garden, i need to check the plants and look at where i can put a pot. I also need to sort a photo out, its been raining so much lately there hasnt seemed much point but i will go this weekend.

I love you baby, but i miss you so much more, its just that simple, that simple......

Hi gorgeous, i wish i knew what you have been doing today. I hope whatever it was it made you happy, like you made me and your dad and so many other people.

I havnt had a good day today , but you know that dont you. A year 6 pupil called rhys jones was killed last night in liverpool, how sad is that. It just made me feel even more sad for his family especially his mum. He was an everton fan, remember when you were an everton fan, then changed to manchester united. I have to say that change is unheard of, but noone minded. Well maybe your secret admirer and ellis, but they will have got over it.

I dont need anything to remind me how much i miss you, i just think oh no not another angel, and what about his family, his friends and all those people who care about him .......

Hi gorgeous, what a day, i got a letter today from care for the wild international, well actually i didnt you did. Remember we adopted him for you with a donation for christmas. He was called stardance. Well you would love the letter, its all about how he is doing, what he is up to. It also invites you to go and see him. i think i might have to write to them, im not sure. He sounds like a real character, which you would love. i cannot believe how much you dying has changed my life baby. everything i do is such an effort, all i want is you back, thats all. i work to keep me distracted. it doesnt last for long but it does work sometimes.

Do your remember when we 'borrowed' sam the black labarador. I think he was about 18 months old. You had just started school and my friend's wife was about to have a baby and they decided that sam was just too boisterous and unpredictable. Anyway i told him that we would have him for a week to see how he got on but if we werent happy he would be going back. He happily agreed. You thought he was wonderful, but he was so strong. You spent all of your time trying to train him to do things but he just ignored you. You thought taking him for a walk was fun, until he saw another dog and he went wild.I was worried about him because he was so strong. I wouldnt leave you alone with him. You kept getting hold of his chain around his neck and one day he just pulled you along.That was it he went back. You loved him but i was too worried about him, you were so slight he could really have hurt you. Im glad to say that you got over him very quickly. I thought about that because im sitting looking at your photos on the electronic photo frame, and one came on with you and sam. You looking fab in your school uniform. You know i dont think ive got a photo of you which isnt fab.....

Hi my most gorgeous, do you remember this time last year, we went to florida. I know you will remember that your dad bought you a new pink bag to travel with. In it you packed all things pink, iPod, nintendo ds, pink disposable camera and purse,jewels, lip gloss and perfume. You had lots of money, people like bill and henry from work had given me dollars for you - how lovely are they!

When we got to the airport at check in there was the most awful family in the queue. Awful because they were loud and badly behaved. They were queue jumping (you couldnt believe it, you and your rules of queueing being abused) and all sorts. I called them the clampets but you didnt know the clampets you laughed anyway. I remember us all hoping that they wouldnt be anywhere near us and we were lucky that on the way out they where miles away from us.

We did what we always did at airports, made sure dad was settled and off we went shopping. Straight into the duty free. You got the cards to spray the perfume onto and then we selected perfumes. I would spray and and we would sniff and like/dislike then move on to the next one. After that it was lipstick, we would get the cotton buds and pout and apply, like/dislike then move on. We always bought stuff, i was a push over for you. You must have been the only kid with a collection of makes like dior and channel lipsticks. I wonder how long that would have gone on for ......

You were so excited, i remember on the plane you kept asking if there was a swimming pool because that was the first thing you wanted to do. It was the first thing you did, i have got some photos of you getting into the pool, wearing one of your many pink costumes. I will get your dad to put them on here. It wasnt very big and there was only us there at the time. We only stayed in that hotel a couple of nights so that we could go to bush gardens, before we went off to stay nearer to disney and the other theme parks.

You looked so well on that holiday lottie, indeed you were well.....

We had other good news that day too, amelia your god daughter was born. You were delighted, and we had to go and buy her something straight away. You chose your favourite character eeyore pjs for her. You couldnt wait to see her. In the same shop you saw a marykate and ashlin outfit that you wanted, a sparkly swing t shirt and demin (as you would say) skirt.

Ive got so many wonderful memeories from that holiday , you had a fantastic time, you did all the things you loved to do, as well as the rides and shows, we went shopping, bought you lots of clothes, shoes, swim wear, a betty boop bag, jewels.You even bought the most pink nail varnish i have ever seen. It was fluorescent pink. You did lots of swimming, both in the pool and your day with the dolphins.You had a manicure and went to lots of different restaurants. You also had that fab ride on the speed boat... hey ho my lottie.....

Hi my most gorgeous, this time last year we where in bush gardens. You had your hair braided almost as soon as we got inside the park. Remember it was too tight and i upicked it that night back at our hotel. We had a laugh about that, because the first time you ever had one of those braids i couldnt upick it when you wanted it to be taken out. So i just cut your hair off at the roots and you had a tuft of 'sticky up' hair for ages. Colin went mad at me. Can you believe I found the beads and things in one of my jewellry bags recently i couldnt believe i had kept them, whats that about. Anyway there they will stay.

You had a great day, you and your dad went on all the big mad rides, roller coasters called python and scorpion. We watched a 4 d show about pirates which you enjoyed.

We went on a jeep ride that wasnt working properly. You should have floated down the river on it but that bit was closed. The man sat you next to him and gave you a task, which didnt impress you very much because you were feeling shy for some reason.

The weather wasnt great so one of the rides you wanted to go on was closed.Do you remember that awful roller coaster that was something like the highest in america or something mad like that, well it hovered at one point and it looked like the type of ride that would make people sick. You could hear the people on it screaming all over the park. Remember looking at it and laughing at how mad we thought those people were.

That night we went to a restaurant and you fell asleep. I carried you back to the car which was amazing because you were so tall then, i dont know how i managed.

We went to amelias birthday party yesterday, well im sure you where there too. She loves the things we bought for her. Ive asked john to put a photo of her and her cake on here for you.

Hi babe, shall i carry on with our holiday last year. I will for the time being, its memories isnt it, and that and photos are all i have now....

Today we left our hotel to travel to our fantastic accomodation in florida. Not before you had pastries for breakfast. I mention it because it was a really 'naughty' breakfast, all sweet cakes and dufnuts (as you called them).

On our way we drove to clearwater for a ride on a speed boat. Part of the ride was to go dolphin spotting, we didnt see any dolphins but it didnt matter because you had a fantastic time on the ride. It went so fast, your hair was all blowy and you lost your hat. You laughed and laughed you thought it was great. We have one of our favourite photos of you on that ride on here. You laughed so much on that ride, we where sliding all over the place from the speed, we had to hold on really tight, it was fun, so much fun. Im so glad we did it, just for you baby.

Our accomodationt was fantastic too. You had a 'hooge' bedroom with two beds in.One for you and one for your dolls. You had a 'hooge' telly too, which you put on as soon as you walked in there. i sorted out your wardrobe whilst you sorted your drawers. You were really funny about what should go where, and you kept everything neat and tidy.

You had your own bathroom with a 'hooge' bath. You laid out all your toiletries, perfume and stuff.

We had been shopping on the way and you chose all your favourite cereals and drinks. Then you got changed and went in the pool. There are a couple of photos on here with you in another pink costume swimming under the water which i absolutley love. They were just you in the pool, my water baby......


Hi gorgeous, its me, again, well still actually. Shall we carry on and tell people more about our holiday this time last year. Well today we went to seaworld. You like seaworld it has that combination of animals, marine life, rides and shows.

You didnt go on kraken which is the big ride there but only because you dont like to dangle you feet. You did all the others including 'lost city of atlantis', which is a roller coaster wet ride which half way round you go backwards. You went on a couple of childrens rides in particular a kids roller coaster. You went on that simulator ride called wild artic, which made you laugh.

There was the pets ahoy show which always made you laugh. They were more domestic animals doing tricks. You loved the water skying show and the dancers there, but best of all was 'shamu'. A new show we hadnt seen before. You wanted to go back to swim in the pool after all that. You had yet another memorable fun day out.

You know baby i can see it all in my mind when i close my eyes, then i have to open them ........

Hi babe im watching a programme about a man who visits different tribes. At the moment he is visiting eskimos and part of their herd are thousands of raindeer. It made me think of when we went to lapland when you were 5yrs old. One of the many activities was a ride on a sledge pulled by a raindeer. You went on the ride with your dad, and laughed all the way round because your raindeer who you name 'pongo' kept making awful smells. You remembered that for a long time and it made you laugh. I just thought about it, just another memory i didnt ever think i would have to treasure like i do .......

Hi my most gorgeous i miss you so much baby, this time last year we went shopping, your favourite past time ever. You picked some fab shoes and a dress, and a load of other stuff. You had a great time running around those 'hooge', malls.

You were so well, thats what is so hard to remember you were well, and now ........ I look at your photos in particular the underwater ones, where you were able to cartwheel (your favourite activity), which you hadnt been able to do for such a long time and i cant believe that youre not here, i cant believe that youre not coming home from somewhere i dont know from where, except for the odd sleep over you didnt go anywhere without us..... i just wish baby, i wish and wish ....

Hi my gorgeous, whats been on your menu today then..... has there been singing and dancing, has it been charades, has it been talent shows, cartwheels maybe, or did you just chill, i wonder, i really do......

Shall we talk about last year, this time last year when we went to the animal kingdom in the morning and MGM studios in the afternoon.

Hi gorgeous, me and your dad are trying to think about the rides your did, we remember things like, the mount kilimanjaro ride, do you remember it broke down near to the end. We sat on it for ages and they went right over the top about letting us off. It was a really good ride. We did a dinosaur ride where there was a woman outside who was being persuaded on by her family and was saying in american 'does it go up, does it go down, does it go around', you mimicked her for ages after that holdiay she was funny.

We went to the 'its a bugs life', thats a film with things running around your feet.There was also a run away train ride. Lots of the stuff there is for small childrens which is why we went off to MGM studios.

We went on the movie ride, you and your dad went on the tower of terror which you thought was fantastic, and you went on the aerosmith rock and rolla coaster which you werent tall enough to go on last time. You thought that was fantastic too. I think you went on that a couple of times.

We saw the muppet 3D show for about the 5th time and you went on the star wars simulator ride, i think you went on that a couple of times because again you thought that was fantastic. There was another show, where you sit in the dark and wear headphones and just listen to sounds, and we saw the parade there. Again all of which you loved.

Once again baby you had a great time, and im so glad you did.......

Hi my most gorgeous, well this time last year was just about your best day i think. You had lots of days that you thoroughly enjoyed but i think this one had the best rides as far as you were concerned.

You went on all sorts of rides that you thought were fab, we went on planet earth, it was a ride that visited all the stars, it went up and down and was really interesting, because you like stars - what sort of irony is that.

Then we went on a ride that was like formula 1 driving, it could have been called test track, but you thought it was ace. It went really fast in places, up and over bumps, it stopped sharply, it went around bends, actually we all loved it but you laughed and laughed all the way round.

Then we went on that flight to mars ride. Do you remember i became more and more frightened as we got nearer and nearer to the ride. I was convinced i was going to be sick, you laughed at me then. You laughed so much when we actually got into the 'cabin' and there were sick bags and i was terrified. It ended up being brilliant, you thought it was tremendous, it was all about G forces, you were desperate to go on it again. You were funny because they gave you a role like engineer, pilot and captain and there was a man who was in on his own with us. He thought you were really funny because having been given a role we all got a task. You were the pilot and took your task so seriously - but then you would.

Then we went on the maelstrom ride set in norway. It was a boat ride, as part of it we went though the mexican area and we bought friendship bracelets, i bought a bag, you bought a purse too. Anyway there some americans behind us going on about how thin the polar bears were and you copied them for the rest of the holiday. The woman was going on and on and he was saying 'you sure got that right', and you mimicked them for ages after. It sounds silly one of those things when you had to be there.

Then we went on soarin', that was an incredible ride it was like a hang glider simulator. Now you will remember this because i was terrified, from start to finish. You kept trying to reasure me, telling me how fantastic it was, patting my hand and all i could think of was how much i wanted to get off. You loved it, so much you couldnt wait to go on it again.

You and your dad went on it, whilst i 'minded the bags'.

We went to watch a film, we went on lots of other rides but it was the test track, trip to mars and soarin that you really enjoyed. You had a fantastic day. We stayed late to watch some brilliant fireworks and you fell asleep on the way back in the car.

Oh lottie, lottie, lottie, only one year ago........

Hi gorgeous, i wonder whats on your menu today, i hope you manage to put on a show for brittania, i hope she has a special birthday with all her angel friends.

I went for a run before, just you and me (your dad always runs on ahead), and i was thinking about our holiday last year and i was thinking about the restaurants we went to in the evenings. In particular the one where they had containers of nuts in shells on the table and you were encouraged to throw the shells onto the floor. You thought that was really odd, but you loved doing it because it would ordinarily be naughty i suppose. It really made you laugh, we have been there before and you decided you wanted to go back there, just to be 'naughty' i suppose.

I watched X factor again, cried again, spotted people you would like hey ho.....

i miss you more everyday baby, whats that about, i think to myself it cant get harder than this, and then it does, i jump hurdles from the minute i open my eyes in the morning til i close them at night. I try to do things that you would want me to do, things that you would approve of, things that you would want to do and so it goes on.

We went to your 'thinking corner' last weekend at school. I need to sort things out with school. We need to make sure that the pots are filled with autumn/winter plants and flowers. I need to get you a pot from me and dad, auntie sue and emma want to get you a pot, so too andrea and john and wendy and sam. I want get a photo too, so that the new children in school know what you look like.

I wish we were having that argument about school shoes baby, i wish i could go back to polishing yours with mine on sunday evening, i wish and i wish and i wish, hey ho baby.........

You bought auntie sues pressie on the day we went to epcot. We left the park to have our evening meal and went back later on to watch the fireworks. While we where out we went to some big stores to buy things, you bought auntie sue her photo frame. You didnt know then that the photo that would go in it would be from your day with the dolphins. Anyway you have got a blue bag in your hand on that firework photo with me. I bought you that in the same store. It was one of those that had a dog inside. You carried it for ages, its in your bedroom now. You played with that dog for ages, you put it in bed to sleep that night. The orange dress and black shoes you are wearing in that other photo are the ones you picked from the mall earlier in the holiday. You wore those shoes for the rest of the holiday and infact for ages after that you loved those shoes.

You know lottie you were so easily pleased, it really didnt take much to make you happy, laugh or smile.

This time last year we had a day off from the theme parks and shopped until we dropped.....

hi gorgeous, we all know how much you liked music and really a very varied type of music, me and your dad agreed recently that a song in the charts by Rihanna called umbrella i think you would adore. Its one of the first songs since you died that i have heared that i thought 'lottie would love this', i can hear you singing it, like i can see you wearing your rainford blazer whats that all about baby.

I just miss you baby its no more complex than that, you played such a key part in my life, actually you were my life, and now i just feel like im 'marking time', i feel like im existing or surviving, my quality of life which i took for granted is no more, i do what i do, but not with any feeling or emotion, all of my emotion is about you......

Hi my most gorgeous girl, today is really difficult, ive polished my shoes and ironed my uniform. I should have been doing two lots shouldnt i, mine and yours..... you should be here to be excited about starting your new school tomorrow, and yet here i am missing you.....

I dont really want to talk about our holiday last year maybe tomorrow xxx

I need to ask you and all your angel friends a favour, as you know rhys jones funeral is on thursday, i just want you all to join together and pass a whole load of 'brave' to his family especially his mum.... just like you do for me....... xxx

xxx

Hi gorgeous, i so wish i could have seen you in your new uniform, with your first ever blazer today. I wish we could have had a row about me taking you to the bus stop and you wanting to be independant, like always. I miss you so much baby, today was hard at work but only because i miss you so much, i just wish and wish baby xxx

Hi gorgeous, all i can think about is you and school, things are harder and harder every day, i want to put stuff on about our holiday last year, but it doesnt feel right. Not now anyway,maybe another day, i was so glad to hear from brogans mum and im sure you were too. Emma sounds lovley too, all these lovely people suffering, whats that about....

Ive had a strange day today, one filled with you, all my wishes and wishes, all my thoughts of why, why and never any answers, i miss you so much my gorgeous, what was that feather on the kitchen window sill about, oh lottie, lottie, lottie xxx

Hi my most gorgeous girl, what can i say other than i miss you, ive been thinking about you all day - again. No change there hey! On friday evening at work people say have a good weekend, enjoy your weekend and stuff like that - how can i when your not here, how does that work, how could i ever have a good weekend when youre not here to share it, to be it, to tell me what you want to do, where you want to go and boss me about - in a nice way hey ho.....

You know ive managed to avoid childrens programmes for ages now, tonight whilst im typing away on your site there is a programme on that ive never seen before and who is one of the main characters only tracy beaker. One of your fav people, mostly because she was full of character and very mischevious. I havnt seen her for a long time and she probably isnt tracy beaker any more is she. She has grown up and moved on ......

It was good to hear from brogans mum and emma baby angel's mum wasnt it. I sent a card to rhys jones mum this week. I told her i had asked you and your angel friends to send her some brave for thursday, but then you know that dont you. I look at her and think she's in a state of shock poor woman, her grief is so public.

You will have to get rhys involved in your games of charades and pictionary, and your shows. I wish and wish baby but nothing changes...

Hi gorgeous, another lonely day without you. My run was hard today, partly because i ran through the park and it was full of little pink people on their bikes and scooters why did i run there.....

Its nice to hear from your school friends, i know they havnt forgotten you - how could they.... this week has been harder than any other, i know its because of the school stuff, if this feels this bad how difficult are times like christmas going to be......

Ant and Dec are on tonight, you thought they were ace, you used to laugh at some of the silly things they did, you loved the tricks they played on people, yet another show im going to find hard to watch.....

You didnt much like 'who wants to be a millionaire', except when you could answer the questions, sometimes you could and if the contestant couldnt answer you were one of those people who shouted at the telly, if you found it hard you didnt want to watch, hey ho baby.....

Your dad wasnt over keen on the photo i picked for your main page, but i remember that night and you had a great time at your friends party. You had streaks in your hair, you had your nails painted and diamonds put in them, you had your face 'made up', and you loved it. He isnt sure because of the cover over your 'line' for your chemo showing, but i love your smiley face so i dont think that matters, the reality is that was part of your life, we cant pretend otherwise. You had a great time and thats the deal.......

I miss you so much lottie its just that simple yet that hard xxx

When we were in florida last year we went to magic kingdon on 2 sept, you did all the rides there priates of the carribean which you thought was a bit boring, space mountain which you love, lilo and stitch which you enjoyed, splash mountain where you ended up soaked and ig mountain railroad which you have loved for years.

On 4 sept we went to islands of adventure and universal, you went on the incredible hulk roller coaster ride with your dad. You went in the front seat which you thought was fantastic, and apparantly screamed all the way round.

On the first time round with the spiderman ride something didint work properly and we got another ride. You and your dad went on the dudley do right water ride. You both came off drenched because people were firing water pistols at you, you laughed so much. You went on the dualing dragons, dinosaw ride, jaws, men in black, and the mummy ride. We werent over keen on the mummy ride as i recall. You didnt like dualing dragons much either because your feet dangled. I can see you now running to me upset because you didnt like it and we hugged for ages, as always we hugged.

We went to see one of your favourite shows ever - the beetle juice show. You have seen that before and adore it, you sang all the through it. I can see you now, singing clapping and swaying.

The following day we went shopping, you bought amongst other things your black leather 'betty boop' bag. We had our nails done, there is a picture on here of your nails they were fab.

The best was yet to come, on 6 sept we went to discovery cove, you absolutely loved it. You had a great time, snorkling, swimming with dolphins and riding the lazy river.

The following day was our last day really, we went to universal and islands of adventure, you went on some rides but it rained and rained, so the ponchos had to come out again. Yours was pink ours blue, you had a new braid in islands of adventure on our first visit. One that wasnt so tight.

You loved that holiday, you had the best of it all except for the rain. You did all the things you liked best like the rides, shows, shopping, manicures, with the pleasure of the pool and meeting other children there. I remember you playing swimming races and diving games with american girls and having the best of times. To top it all a day with the dolphins, i think back and cant believe that was only 1 year ago, how does that work baby.....

It wasnt our last holiday was it, but it was the best, a holiday full of your laughter. A holiday when we thought things were getting better, you were getting better, little did we know, i miss you baby more than i can describe.......


Hi gorgeous, you know i didnt mention 'the clampet' family on the way home from florida did i. You remember that awful family who were badly behaved on the way out, well remember who sat behind me on the way back home, only 2 of that family. How awful was he keep banging my seat. You didnt like it when i told him off, then i reported him the stewardess. I know you didnt like it when i did those things but he was awful. When we got off the flight that woman came over to me and said how awful he was and how she could see him deliberately banging my seat. Lot of use that was when we where off the plane, anyhow, just thought i would remind you, dont know why....

Ive been talking about you a lot today. Talking about how people just 'took' to you. Your sunflower looks fab, ive got your dad to take a photo, he will be putting it on here, i know you can see it, its for everyone else who cant.

Can you believe everywhere i look i see girls wearing blazers. I was laughing with auntie sue and emma the other night about how you would have been with your blazer. We all know that you wouldnt have liked wearing it, it would feel restrictive probably and you didnt like that. We also laughed at the thought of you having to tuck your shirt in, again not something that would go down well at all. You never liked tucking clothes in, even when you had a skirt or trousers that had a lovely waist band you wouldnt tuck things in to show them off. Tucking things in and seems you hated. Seems had to be just so or else. You used to make me laugh about them you were so over the top. I didnt mind, i grew to accept it, it was just you being you, my gorgeous......

I wish and i wish, thats all baby, just wishing, knowing but wishing.......

Ive just remembered the tie, you wouldnt have like the tie either, again too restrictive, hey ho baby, i often think we could have overcome anything, anything, but this, .........


Someone who cares
------??------Put This
----??-??--- -On Your
---??---??-- -Loved ones
---??---??-- -Page if
---??---??-- -They
----??-??--- -Died
-----???------ Of
----??-??--- -cancer
---??---??-- -To show them
- ??------??--You care

Hi gorgeous, i dont know who put this one, but i like it here where everyone can see it, i know that you would like it too. How kind of whoever it is that cares......

Hi my most gorgeous girl, ive been to see your bestest friend ever tonight 'sammy snake'. I went with auntie sue and emma. We talked about you 'of course' and we laughed about how much ethan talks about you and how you used to laugh about how much ethan talked full stop. That makes us all laugh because if there was anyone going to say anything who would it be oh - you! I remember laughing years ago with your dad because the minute you opened your eyes you opened your mouth. I used to say my ears are folding over to close you out, you talked constantly, relentlessly you never stopped, i think people get the picture baby......

Marika is more than well looked after, and we knew that didnt we baby. She has yet another new pram. I had a hold of her earlier and she looks and smells like she always did. You would be so proud of how your bestest friend is looking after her you really would.

Sammy snake was wearing the biggest furriest boots ive ever seen and you know lottie they would have been right up your street. I can see you wearing them....


Hi gorgeous, missing you, loving you so much, but missing you so much more.....

Hi gorgeous, whilst im sitting here working i keep looking at your digital photo frame, one of the photos i love of you is the photo of you wearing your dads cap. I remember that day well, your dad had been promoted into uniform, you had never seen either of us wearing uniform, im not really sure you knew what we did. Anyway when he came home he brought his new uniform with him and you said 'oh dad i dont like that costume, i dont think you should wear it', you followed this with the statement that if dad was a police man, i was a police woman, did that make you a police girl - how innocent was that..... i quickly told you no it didnt mean you were a police girl at all, but now i think if only.....

Every picture tells a story and i know all of the stories surrounding your photos, where we were, what we were doing, what we were about to do, hey ho.....

Hi baby, i thought i would change your photo to a very unusual one. Unusual because its not pink its goth..... you liked being a goth some days, you had lots of goth jewels and gloves and stuff and loved black clothes too.The following day you would be all pink and girly, you made me laugh.....

Hi my most gorgeous, 4 long lonely months, if feels like years and years since i last held you, hugged you, kissed you..... I talk to you all of the time, i think about you more and of course i miss you more than that, ive been in the conservatory looking at your digital photo frame, i love all of your pictures, i love the memories they create for me, but thats all they are baby, just memories how sad is that......

We dont like the 19th do we, i hope you and brogan and christi had an extra special day today. i love you baby, but i miss you so much more xxx

Hi gorgeous, well as you know its started to get colder and it made me think about hats and scarves and gloves. Partly because they were a must in your wardrobe. You have got so many sets. All different colours, shapes, sizes. Some very pink ones, some we bought on one of our days out last year in kendle. We bought matching scarves and you got gloves too. Your dad was always complaining about how many you had he was always going on saying that if you bought any more some would have to be thrown out. We never did pay much attention to him did we baby, not about stuff like that. I remember the sets i bought when we first found out about chemo and the affects. My first trip when you were at school was for hats and scarves and gloves that matched. I paid a fortune, but i didnt care. I remember thinking that i just wanted them to be there for you. I didnt want you to have to be bothered coming with me to buy them. I didnt want too much focus on why we were buying them. You loved what i bought, as usual always appreciative.

Lots of your photos include you wearing hats. Not just in winter but summer too. I used to worry about you burning your head or getting sunstroke, hey ho baby ........

Hi gorgeous, i was in your bedroom earlier, and looking at your games. You loved board games, in particular your disney monopoly. You also love your badge making kit. You had all sorts simpsons, pictionary, headbandz, oh lots and lots, you liked playing games, your dad wouldnt let you cheat either. You looked after your stuff too, you wouldnt think some of them had ever been played with .

I dont know why but i was thinking today about your computer games, in particular the simms. You had all of their games, i always thought they were a bit odd but you loved playing them. That and your ninetendogs, with daisy the dog. Actually you had lots of dogs, you won them as part of the game. I think one was called rosie, i remember when you first got that you spent hours talking into that game.Shouting daisy, daisy teaching her to roll over, go for a walk and stuff. It was pink, just like you....

I miss you baby, but then you know that dont you......

Hi gorgeous, we havnt been for a run for ages have we, ive been full of cold, maybe next week.

Ive changed your picture again, only because i can. The tshirt you are wearing in this picture you bought yourself for your holidays. I dont know what made me think about that. You bought it from Next - of course....

This time last year baby we were rowing about home work and going swimming. Do you remember as part of your physio you started swimming lessons again. On the way i would get you to do your times tables. How cruel was that........

Hi gorgeous, i hope you have had a lovely day, i hope all your days are lovely. Ive been with auntie sue all day, we missed you like we always do, we talked about you lots as you might imagine.

How are we going to avoid christmas, i need you to help me. Ive told your dad like last christmas i wont be sending any cards. If he wants to he can but i wont be. I wont be buying any presents either, ive told your dad that too. I needed him to know that i dont want any presents, i wont be celebrating it at all, although im not sure how easy it will be to ignore it, hey ho baby .......


Hi gorgeous,i decided i wanted to change your photo again, so i picked this one, its so you! You as a rainbow having made an autumnal dish, the ladies from rainbows, Helen and Chris the leaders sent a card when you died a lovely 'rainbows' card they wrote inside how sad they were to find out that you had died. They wrote 'we found her to be such a happy, helpful little girl. She was always in the thick of things, full of ideas and enthusiastic about whatever we were doing. We will always remeber her with great affection'. Another woman sent a card who it turned out was a health visitor from when you were only weeks old. Her daughter joined rainbows after you. She was from a different school so didnt know any of you. She wrote how you looked after her daughter, and joined her in all of the activities, making her feel at home. That was you wasnt it baby, in the thick of it, having fun and caring for others, i miss that baby, like i miss everything about you xxx

Hi my gorgeous, guess what - i miss you, we did good for the chiefs video, at least thats what people tell me. It was all down to you, i know that.

I think about you all of the time, i miss you so much baby, there have been adverts on for halloween and i think about last year, like i do. I think about the outfit we bought in the disney shop in majorca. You were the best looking 'witch' i have ever seen. You looked beautiful, but then you always did. You had a fun evening laughing with alice and amy and jack and joseph. Amelia slept all the way through it, hey ho baby .....

Hi gorgeous, i went to a presentation today and i missed you more than ever, the woman was talking about 10yr olds singing in school and guess what, all i could think of was you, it wasnt a good presentation...... xxx

Hi gorgeous, ive changed your photo again, once again i love this one. We where in a bar in spain may 2003. You had your polly pocket with you, you didnt go anywhere without polly pocket for years and years. When we went on holiday i used to hide new toys in your luggage. Just so the airport and stuff werent too boring for you. You would find things all over the place. Polly was always one of your surprises. Sometimes she would come with a wardrobe or some other furniture, but always with clothes you loved. You would spend hours dressing and undressing her and her friends. It kept you so entertained. We've got your polly pocket stuff in the cupboard hey ho...... xxx

Hi gorgeous, me and your dad were talking about you again (still), this morning we were saying how quiet the house is without you. We remembered saturday and sunday mornings were dedicated to you watching telly and when you were younger one of your favourite shows was blues clues. We watched it over and over again. You know i wish dont you baby, we all wish.......

We went for a run today baby didnt we, first one in ages. I think about so much stuff during that run. I think about days out, about you dancing, swimming, all sorts of stuff, but mostly i just miss you ......

I hope you like your new photos baby, more memories.....

Hi gorgeous, you know i think the strangest of things, like this morning when i got up i thought how you would go mad if we got up and left you in bed. Not that it happened much, you were always an early bird. On the odd occasion it did happen you couldnt believe you had been left in bed, like you might have missed something. I dont know what.... why did i think about that baby ......

Hi gorgeous, i look at your photo on my desk often. Whats really good is when the sun shines in through the window and your face lights up.... Whilst i was doing my report over the weekend i look at your digital photo frame, i was looking yesterday and find it hard to believe your not here. You look so alive, and yet your not..... it is a strange feeling, i suppose its part of wishing isnt it......

Hi gorgeous, schools finish for half term soon, do you remember this time last year. You wont know but after your scan they couldnt decide what was going on. One group said the tumour was growing, another said it wasnt. They suggested we go on holiday. I got your dad to book us something at short notice. He booked a holiday in majorca for us. You didnt want to go because you wanted to do stuff with sue and the little ones....... hey ho...... but we went and im so glad we did. Had we stayed home i would never have seen you, as it happens we had you all to ourselves. You were well, how odd is that, you were so well and yet we all know what was to come. They were right the tumour was growing..... we had a good time. Even though you didnt want to go you laughed a lot that week. I miss you more and more every day baby, it gets harder and harder xxx

Hi gorgeous, the chief rang the other day, he said he had heard 'charlottes' song on the way to work and had to ring becaue he was thinking about you and me and your dad. People call it your song. Lots of people hear it and think about you, and i like that they do.

When we were in majorca last year you made us hire a 4 wheeled bike thing, it had two sets of pedals and a canopy over the top. You sat in the middle while we cycled. You laughed and laughed because it was really hard to pedal and you didnt have to. It was an awful thing to ride, but i would spend the rest of my life on that thing if i thought it could be with you....

hi gorgeous, on the theme of majorca there were lots of other things we did for you and one of those was watch the shows at night. They were so bad generally but you loved those things. They did do a half decent show one night the theme was ABBA which you really enjoyed. That holiday was a nightmare we thought the tumours were growing so what was that about....... but we made the most of it for you. Do you remember the water in the pool was freezing, colder than the sea. We went to the market and you bought yet another doll. You loved that doll like all of the others. I just cant remember her name, they all got a name didnt they.. Then they were undressed and dressed again. You had a wardrobe of dolls clothes so they always looked fab. Was she called maria. I will have to find out. She is still in your play room, with your other dolls that you dressed, they are all where you left them........

Hi, yes she was called maria, after westside story. Emma confirmed what i thought.

You know your dad just asked me why we have got a roll of grease proof paper, he asked me what i used it for. I remembered that it didnt have anything to do with cooking, i have never used it for that, but i got it to trace your dance stuff. If you remember they would have one pattern for the mums to trace so that we could make the outfits. That was a laugh wasnt it baby, like i was ever going to do that, as i mentioned ages ago it was evelyn who came to my rescue, anyway that was the purpose for the grease proof paper, your dad cant believe i remember that, but if its to do with you why wouldnt i.......

Hi gorgeous, i went to your garden yesterday with auntie sue and emma. We wanted to look at where we can put a photo of you and something that tells people who dont know you some stuff about you. Wendy is going to order some scroll boards for us to put those things in. We will be able to change the photo so thats good. Your auntie sue was panicking in the week because your hanging baskets disappeared. When she asked it was because the children were replacing the plants with some winter ones. Thats nice isnt it baby, we were going to do that, but it feels a bit more special that children from your school are doing it instead. The planters are still full of lovely colourful flowers so we wont do anything with those until they all stop flowering. You would like your garden. Auntie Judith and Matt are visiting next month and we are planning to take them there too. They want to leave something there for you.......

What is so amazing is that everything i do, everywhere i go, just everything is you or reminds me of you, not that i need anything to trigger things off. Would you believe those interviews i did on friday, the first candidate had a background working in hospitals so talked about all of that stuff, like i needed to hear about their systems and processes, then the next candidate was called charlotte. I couldnt believe it, she wasnt the best candidate and i kept thinking about you, and how had you been going for an interview i would have helped you prepare, hey ho....

Oh my lottie, ..............

Hi my most gorgeous, dad made me some of your magic mash tonight with my tea, remember you loved it, especially with cheese melted into it. I just wish baby, i dont know why because i know it wont happen, hey ho...... xxx

Hi gorgeous, my most gorgeous, what a day today is, we dont like 19 dow we or 25, or lots of other dates i wont mention, but hey ho - no choices baby....

You know i think about you all of the time, the things you have done, the things you will never do, its constant, everywhere i go its easy to do.....

Today i thought about Brogan too, you both being 10yrs old, dying on the same day, from cancer - whats that about, im sure you two will be having all sorts of fun and mischief with all of your other angel friends, but i wish you werent, you know what i wish for dont you baby, hey ho xxx

Ive changed your photo to one that you loved, you had a lovely day that day two years ago at discovery cove, oh my lottie, 5 of the worst months of my life without you, i feel so lonley without you, i feel so sad without you and all of those things that its hard for people to hear, anyway baby we know the deal dont we, xxx

Hi gorgeous, me again, ive changed your photo again, to one of your auntie sue's fav's she likes this one were you look so sophisticated looking for which ice cream to choose, xxx

Hi gorgeous, it was nice to hear from Brogans mum wasnt it, she is brave and strong, just in a different way to me. I want to ask her about harry, im sure you know how he is, i bet you and Brogan watch over him every day. I know you would want her to know that she can come on your page whenever she wants and leave messages for Brogan, we are both so sad, we have lost so much ....... xxx

Hi Charlotte Elizabeth Amelia, i wonder how your day is today, today and everyday i wonder. There was something on the radio this morning about halloween and they mentioned skeletons, i immediately thought about you and mispronunciations you called them skelingtons for ages.... again another word that we never corrected- we called them skelingtons too....
im doing that wishing stuff again baby, i just miss you so much, so very very much, xxx

Hi my gorgeous, i so wish i knew what you are up to, i miss you more and more every day, which is odd because today i would say i couldnt miss you any more than i do then tomorrow happens and hey ho its harder, whats that about baby, xxx

I know you already know about brogans page, i dont know why but it makes me feel better that she has a page, how odd is that..... except i know she is probably your best angel friend..... i know you know about harry too, why am i always the last one to find out, but you and brogan need to carry on looking over him, i know you will thats how you are.... i love you so much my gorgeous, but then you know that dont you xxx


Hi gorgeous, well here we are another week, another week without you. Ive been thinking about you again all day, my friend andrea from work bought me a lovely pressie today. You remember that lady telling me about rose quartz and people who are grieving, well i mentioned it to andrea last week and guess what she bought me a book mark, and on the end of it is an angel made from rose quartz. its lovely and i will treasure it. then emma and sue came round and guess what they bought me a piece of rose quartz too.... whats odd about this is you loved these stones and often bought them yourself. i have left your stones one which includes a rose quartz stone on the window ledge in the conservatory where you left them. ithe others are still upstairs in your bedroom.

When auntie sue was here yesterday, tom jones was on the radio singing sex bomb, and we laughed about how you loved that song. i can remember when we where in france when you were 3 and it was in the charts and you would sing it and waggle your bottom to it, it made me smile to think about it.

The other day katie tunstall came on the radio and me and your dad both mentioned how you thought she was fab too.

I think about you all the time baby, i think you helped me with those interviews today, i was the chair and needed all the help i could get with one of them......

Hey ho my gorgeous, xxx

hi gorgeous...... just hi....... missing you as always..... xxx

Hi gorgeous, my friend alison (you remember jess and rhys's mum) bought me a lovely phone charm yesterday, its an eeyore holding a pink heart with a small pink heart attached. How kind was that, she said she saw it and thought about us both......

I have your photo on the fridge and in my phone of you and jess with rhys this time last year when he was only weeks old, you love littlies dont you gorgeous..... jess showed you her bedroom and you held rhys, your photos of you being really smiley as always, only 12 months ago baby, and now look at us .......

I need your brave for my promotion stuff, you would be so good at supporting me wouldnt you baby, you would tell me how boring i am, and how boring it all is but you would say lovely things to me too, well im doing it all with you in mind, me and you what do you think, i love you, love you, love you, but i miss you sooo much more baby, so very much more xxx

Hi gorgeous, well we did it again, me and you the police authority loved our presentation and were full of enthusiasm afterwards with their questions. I know you think all this police stuff is boring but thats ok baby, we love each other so much that boring is ok sometimes......

I felt so sad to hear that emma had been unwell, but glad that she is on the mend, but then you know that dont you..... i think about her a lot and me and auntie sue often wonder about her..... anyway now we know, and we are so happy that she is getting better.... but i know what she was thinking, well at least some of it, and i understand so well.......

I love you baby, i will never stop saying it, you fill my every waking moment, i have distractions yes, but my life is all about you, all about you....... xxx


Hi gorgeous, i was just thinking today about this time last year when we went to majorca. Do you remember those shows at night we went to, you used to love shows, they played bingo and you loved bingo too so we played... it did make you laugh..... you laughed a lot on that holiday, thats when we bought your halloween outfit, ive probably mentioned it before, but you looked so gorgeous..... as always.

I bet you and brogan sang happy birthday to her mum today, i bet you sang it loud and full of tune, all of you angels together, what i wouldnt give to have heard that... you know your song chasing cars comes on the radio at the strangest of times, i like to think its you saying hi, hi and its ok..... thats what i like to think, but its hard for me to listen to..... i cant imagine there will ever be a song that has such an impact on me and actually on other people too..... people say to me that they think of that song as yours.....

ive got some things coming up that i need to do, one is a candle service at the anglican cathedral (and me a catholic) on 4 december when i will light a candle for you, then another one at can you believe alder hey on 16 dec when they are having a 'light up for life', they will be lighting up lights around a tree... im going to buy 10 for you just because you are 10, auntie sue and emma are going to buy 10 too, i will probably buy one for some of your angel friends, whilst these things will be very very sad, they cant make me any more sad and they feel like the right thing to do...
lady marmalade was on the radio, another song that so reminds me of you, singing and dancing hey ho baby .......

send more kisses to emma too, we are all thinking about her.....xxx

Hi gorgeous, what a day, i had to make breakfast for andy and farmer john, which they loved as it happened. Then we visited your thinking garden, which they loved even more.... they have got plans for the future for it, including sanding and repainting the benches and table. Its a difficult place for me to be, i know that it was built and all the plants and ornaments were planted and placed with love, and i know that you will think its fab, but i dont want it really, not really, i just want you ...... but we will work hard and keep it looking beautiful, just like you would expect us to.

Your friend vikki has done a fab job with your photos, she obviously loves you too......

Can you believe rowena lives in a resort we stayed in so many times. Sometimes on our own, sometimes with andrea and john, jack and joseph. i cant believe she could recognise it from that photo...... hey ho.....

I miss you my darling, with every molecule of my body i miss you, xxx

Charlotte Elizabeth Amelia, i love you, love you, love you, but then you know that dont you gorgeous, xxx

Hi gorgeous, just called to say hi, i hope you like the photos from your garden, i look a bit serious on that one with farmer john dont i, hey ho, wishing baby, just wishing...... xxx

Whilst im working the red hot chilli peppers came on, it made me smile because you used to call them the hot red chilli peppers, another thing we didnt correct, i think we called them that too .......

Hi honey, I got your dad to add some more pictures today, i love this one from nursery, you were about two and a half, you had such a cheeky smile that suggested you wanted to play mischief then.... oh how i love the thought of you playing mischief......

I know your aunty sue wont mind me changing it, i can put that other one on again, oh lottie, lottie, lottie, my charlotte elizabeth amelia, i miss you so much baby, so very very much xxx

hi gorgeous, just hi xxx

Hi gorgeous, well what a strange day this is for us, this time last year we werent sure about the tumour, we were back from majorca, i was mithering the hospital for a second opinion. Your dad went to work on nights, i told him i didnt think he should go, but as always he pretended things were ok and went. I was glad when he got sent home by his boss. She was shocked to see him at work on mischief night, considering all the pressure he had at home. I remember ringing her the next day and thanking her..... i told her that i wasnt ringing as a police officer but as a wife... she understood..... she was lovely......

I hated that night last year, but how i would swop it for this night this year....... how bizarre is this, tonight he came home late, was only in for a short while and has had to go back to work again, anyway, i miss you baby, i miss you so so very much, missin' and wishin' xxx

I know that you and christi and baby angel will be sending your 'brave' and your kisse to emma, send her one for me baby xxx

Hi gorgeous, you know all about my love and missing you dont you...... do you remember this time last year, we went to st julies school for halloween, you looked fantastic.... you wore the outfit we bought you from the disney shop in majorca... karen thinks you were a witch, but you were a pumpkin, but i remember her and everyone thinking you looked fantastic.... and they were right... its nice to hear from karen isnt it.... you had a fab night, you and alice did lots of laughing, i remember you had those heart shaped icecreams covered in chocolate, i forget what they are called.... how do i remember that.... you had bets on those horses, amelia slept all the way through the night.... you had a fun time, i cant believe that was a year ago... i really cant......i keep wishing baby, cos i can, but knowing .......xxx

Emma doesnt need to worry about baby angel does she, you will more than look after her with christi and brogan, you did lots of caring about littlies didnt you baby, she will be fine, i bet you did lots of giggling today, im sure you all did fun things today, i bet you all laughed at me doing that 'ruffty tuffty' stuff today hey ho..... i love you my most gorgeous, gorgeous girl, xxx

Hi gorgeous, how much do i miss you........ i was thinking earlier about when we used to travel home together, i always asked you about your day and like all children of your age you would say you couldnt remember. so i would tell you about my world, i knew one day you would say 'hi mum how was your day', i so want to share those times with you again, i miss you baby, but then you know that.....

its good to hear from emma isnt it baby, lets hope she goes from strength to strength, xxx

Hi gorgeous, you know baby i just miss you all of the time..... i think about you and things that you liked to do.... fireworks you always liked fireworks, i keep thinking this time last year, this time last year, but it just makes me miss you more baby, your dad bought 'hooge' fireworks last year, that went on and on, we had lots of people here and hey ho....
when i was driving home tonight auntie chris sent me a text about hugs, but all i thought was there is only one person i want a hug from, only one, and i kind of day dreamed about you being at home when i got in......
we did lots of hugging didnt we baby ..... xxx

Hi gorgeous, fireworks stuff is hard isnt it, we always did stuff on bonfire night. You loved fireworks and all that stuff, im just remembering, wishing and feeling 'robbed', i love you so much baby, but i miss you so much more xxx

I constantly wonder about what im missing baby, all the time im thinking about what you would be doing now, what would interest you, how we would be, you were my best friend and i so like to think that would have simply developed, but i would happily be arguing about you going into town, what you would wear, anything really, anything .......

Whilst you will always be my baby, i think about your world now and i like to think that you have an extended family now, with brogan, christi, helen (who im sure is taking care of you all), maria, jordan and lots of other angel friends i think that people who are lots older are looking out for you too, hey ho baby xxx

Hi baby i know that you already know about the bad news today from Rita. She came to tell us that her husband has cancer and it sounds like he has a lot of it. How odd that they are going to see dr husband on tuesday. You remember him dont you gorgeous, he was the national expert in radio therapy. when you saw him you said he looked like a mad professor because he hd big mad grey hair and you saw that he had big feet. I have to say that i was so hooked on everything he said i didnt think about those things. however after you mentioned it i thought oh no lottie is right... and we laughed didnt we.

I mentioned it to rita today, she is going to see him on tuesday with her husband and after i told her she said she would look for those things.

Rita has been part of our world for years, you were funny blaming her whenever you couldnt find things, but we love her dont we baby, im so sad, i was rubbish today, i just cried, then i got a grip and tried to help her, but how sad is she, how rubbish is that thing called cancer....... can you send her some of your brave, i really think from what she said today she will need it, xxx

Hi gorgeous, what a day, ive been out on patrol tonight, but you know that dont you, i know you where with me just in case.... anyway it was odd because everyone was looking after me, sean in particular, switching my radio on and stuff, its been 2 years since ive been on patrol and i was worried about how i would be, but its a bit like riding a bike... i went out with lovely people who dont know me, and it was fine..... i didnt finish til late, but i had to come here to you before bed.... 'can i just have one more moon dance with you my love' how much do i wish that xxx

Hi gorgeous, ive changed your photo again,this is just you, so smiley, 'hooge' big blue eyes and untidy hair, but you are so so gorgeous, you are my gorgeous girl...... xxx


morning gorgeous, just morning xxx

Hi gorgeous, well as you know im back, ive been in london overnight, oh how i missed you all over again and again, i kept thinking last time i was here lottie was fine, remember that word baby, you said it a million times a day when people would ask you how you were doing, you were always fine...

I expected fireworks last night which you used to love but didnt see any, maybe they had displays in london, anyway i was quite glad i didnt see any.....

I know you will have looked after baby angel last night for emma, you, christi and brogan, maria, jordan and all the other lovely angels.... she will be fine.....

I thought a lot today as we where walking around, in particular about the time we went for a weekend, you had a brilliant time, you were so so good, we saw the lion king on the friday night when we arrived but you fell asleep.... you walked and walked for miles on the saturday and we met up with auntie judith at the natural history museum which you loved..... i was near there today and was just wishing, as always, day dreaming about what should be.....

Then in my meeting they named the next date to meet they said the 9 jan, and it sent me into a flat spin.... that was the day this year when they said the tumour had multiplied and there was no more treatment.... there wasnt any sense out of me for ages after that, but i couldnt say why....

Then can you believe we went to meet a chap at the french embassy and yes you know he talked about simon and penny, he had been on a course with simon and knew that penny had died and i was sat there shouting in my head stop it, stop it.... it wasnt his fault he didnt know did he..... but its been a really hard day......

I drifted in and out of feeling sad for you because of what you are missing, and will miss.... then sorry for me because of what i miss..... hey ho baby......

Sean and Andy looked after me as always... andy had his camera and he is going to put a photo on here for you.... but then you know that dont you baby........

Wishin' and missin' thats all i do baby......

In true lottie style im going to end with a positive tonight and say Im glad that you are doing your stuff with your 'brave' for emma and brogans mum, who would believe a song could become so important and mean so much to people, thank you my most gorgeous girl for just being you...... another day without you but one day nearer to you baby xxx

Hi gorgeous, i love you so much baby, but then you know that dont you my gorgeous, how many times in your short life did we tell each other that, how many times did we kiss and hug...... this time last year you had that awful seizure didnt you..... im not doing dates with this one, but it was a most significant week in our lives wasnt it..... i remember you forgot your words and called things like the remote control the engine, i dont want to keep remembering that week in hospital cos it really was the begining of the end wasnt it baby..... whilst i remembered being frightened i didnt think i would be here now without you.... but you came out of hospital and went back to school.... how brave were you baby....

Anyway, anyway....... i think about you all of the time, everything i do is about you... sounds like a que for a song but it isnt baby, you are my world baby, you always will be, but im missin and wishin baby....... xxx

Hi baby, this is a hard time right now, whats worse is i know its going to get harder. I keep thinking about this time last year...... i feel like i havnt hugged or kissed you for years and years..... i just miss you baby its that simple...... xxx

Hi gorgeous, how much am i missing you......., here i am back from london - as well you know.... It feels so much easier to be home surrounded by your photos and all your stuff... even though i always take stuff with me its not the same.....

People dont really understand all of the missing you stuff do they, i dont expect them to but its constant, i miss you and what we had, i miss what neither you nor me will ever have again, i miss you being a teenager, i miss you being an adult, a parent all of those things even though i never had it, its just more stuff that i miss.

I saw a group of about 20 children in euston tonight, they where sat on the floor eating sandwiches and drinking fizzy drinks. they were all chatting away and i stopped and thought 'lottie would have loved that', only because you always wanted to do what was right, like queueing properly, putting your seatbelt on before we got off the drive, all of those things i just thought because sitting on the floor isnt a usual thing for you to do you would have thought that was great.... i used to phone home when i had been to london before i got on the train to say 'hi', and you would always say 'hi mum how are you.... i miss you... will you come in and see me when you get home....' even though we both knew you would have been fast asleep, oh how i miss that call baby, and the present i always brought back, xxx

Hi gorgeous, it sounds like im always off to london, im not but anyway.... there were things i always did when i went there, wish so much i was still doing......

Anyway honey, ive changed your photo, this is the fab work from your friend vicky, she has done a great job on youtube with a video of you and your friends and one of just you, she was lovely enough to email them to me which i was so grateful for......

Anyway, the more recent one is of you at auntie sues, i love those big blue eyes, you were doing so much laughing and dancing, you were just, as always having a fab time, the other one makes me smile, you as a gorgeous toddler playing in your new designer outfit with pantaloons to match, with a dirty brush, but that was you wasnt it baby - no frills.... you made the most of everything, you always took opportunities but i remember that day and again i remember all the fun you had and you were just a happy toddler ....... playing with a brush - of course......

What a rubbish day i had today, all those things that went wrong from the minute i got up, then all that rubbish at the end of the day at work.... but you know baby i came home and was mad.... thought about you and thought - so what - i really dont care, they can please themselves, if they dont like what i had to report thats more about them not me.... anyway baby im ending on a positive because thats what you always did, you always said 'no fuss', you always wanted life to be 'normal' well im not making a fuss baby ......

Things are hard right now baby, just because, i keep thinking about last year, i keep thinking about you being here and what you where doing, im trying not to do dates but its so hard, i remember so much...... i can see your face that dreadful day of the seizure, i remember how frightened i was pretending to you it was all ok, all those months of pretending, but lottie i would pretend with you for the rest of my life given half the chance....... xxx i love you my gorgeous girl, but then you know that.....


Hi baby, just wanted to say hi, today was much better wasnt it, no falling up the stairs, no breaking glasses, no crashing the car, and so it goes on ....... anyway baby today was good at work, but sad when i left to come home, but thats friday isnt it..... thats friday .... xxx

Hi gorgeous, i wonder what youre up to today, i wish i knew, xxx

Ive changed your phot to one from last year when we went to majorca, we had a laugh about lots of different things on that holiday, im trying to be positive baby ....... xxx

Hi gorgeous, ive had a strange day havnt i, couldnt go to the christening, made a choice that it would be too hard so easier to avoid..... felt so so sad today, maybe because of tomorrow, or maybe just because...... i had a bath tonight, that might not seem so odd but it made me miss you more. i cant remember when i last had a bath.but you got to an age when you decided that if i had a bath it was your job to wash my arms and back, you were so good at that, your hands were so soft, as soon as i got in the bath tonight and washed the fluff off your soap i missed you, not any ordinary missing sort of way but in a tangible, painful sort of way xxx

I hope you had a lovely time with your angel friends at brogans party, i remember your party last year so well, i remember lots of others really, but last years was so important, not that i realised just how important at the time but hey ho.... xxx i found your candles off last years cake recently, of course pink, but there they were 10 pink candles with which i will never part.... like so many other things xxx

Hi gorgeous, what a day, six months without you, i cant believe it, i feel like i havnt seen, held, hugged or kissed you for years, but its only six months, it feels like six years... it feels like forever, it feels like a lifetime, i miss you more than i could ever imagine. i think about you all of the time baby, i think about all sorts of things you did, we did, and things you wont do, we wont do xxx

hi my gorgeous, i love you so much, but then you know that dont you.....
tomorrow is another day baby xxx

hi gorgeous, how did me and auntie sue get brogans birthday so wrong, anyway... im wondering what sort of surprise you will have in store for her, you love surprises dont you baby.... i know you and all your new angel family will be sending lots of your 'brave' to harry and brogans mum..... xxx

hi gorgeous, hope you like this photo, i do... you in one of your many pink costumes, (one that says pink angel- how odd is that) and yet another sun hat.... you love water parks dont you baby, this was one in spain that you had loads of fun in......

we took auntie judith and matt to your thinking garden yesterday. they are trying to decide what to buy to put in it, they think it will be something from india.....

i hope you are having the best of times baby, i really really do...... xxx

are you coming with me later to help me with my presentation and interview, i need it dont i baby, i know its boring so i dont mind if you do other stuff, whatever you choose have fun.... xxx

Hi gorgeous, i hope you and all your new angel family had the best of days, i miss you so much my gorgeous, its just that simple..... xxx

i bet you have got a lovely surprise for brogan, you like doing creative stuff dont you baby, you loved giving presents, i wonder what you will buy for brogan, i bet its pink, she will love that too, oh my charlotte elizabeth amelia baines, whats all this about baby, xxx

Hi my most gorgeous girl, what a day that was, so busy, but turned out well, im sure you where there with me..... i havnt said much on brogans candle, mostly because tomorrow will be so hard for her mum and all of her family of course, but her mum ........ i know how i felt when it was your 11th birthday, it wasnt long after you had died, i wanted with all my body and soul to wish you happy birthday, but how could that be, how..
i did my own wishing that day, and lots of days ever since, anyway, i know you will make brogans birthday fab tomorrow thats how you were... you will have a surprise for her and a pressie that you have taken ages to choose, you will probably encourage her to sing and dance, im sure there will be laughter the whole day long, i hope you have the best of days together baby, i